Facebook refusing to offer relationship status of 'married to the sea'

FACEBOOK is still refusing to offer its users the relationship status of being ‘married to the sea’, it has been confirmed.

The social network continues to offer only ‘Single’, ‘In a relationship’, ‘Married’ or ‘It’s Complicated’, ignoring many of society’s more accurate relationship descriptions.

Campaigner Mary Fisher said: “Along with being ‘married to the sea’, Facebook isn’t offering, ‘Bride of Christ’, ‘Bride of Frankenstein’, ‘Sham marriage for the sake of my political career’, ‘married to the bottle’ or ‘in love with someone who thinks I died in a freak canoeing accident some years ago’.

“This needs to change.”

Facebook user, Nikki Hollis, added: “I’m married but I also occasionally have sex with my sister in law. Why don’t I get a status for that?

“Though, in fairness, that’s probably covered by ‘It’s Complicated’.”

Fellow Facebook user, Nathan Muir, said: “I know that being married to three badgers is not ‘legal’, but that is who I am.”

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Middle-aged men reminisce about all the drugs they used to take

A GROUP of middle-aged dads are to spend an evening remembering just how off their tits they got in their younger years. 

The four men, who collectively have nine children, own property worth more than £2.5 million and hold senior positions in major companies, will discuss drugs including MDMA, ketamine, LSD, cocaine and amphetamines.

Tom Logan, who drives a BMW 7 Series and has a reputation as the office disciplinarian, said: “Remember when you’d all gone to Gatecrasher after I’d passed out on mushrooms, then you got home and I’d snorted all the coke?”

Corporate lawyer Joseph Turner said: “God, I remember the bouncer at Golden searching me and feeling a bag of fifty pills slip down my trouser leg.

“Walked right in with it on the toe of my loafers. Christ knows how many I necked that night. I was so fucked they found me talking to the bins.”

Julian Cook, who runs his own distribution business, said: “Those were the days; your only worries were if you’d scored good shit and had enough weed for the comedown.

“I’ve actually got some acid, if anyone wants to..? No? No, you’re right. Wouldn’t really go with the honey-brined pork.”