Family discovers camper van really just a prison cell on wheels

A COUPLE who spent the weekend in a camper van with their children have realised it is basically a punishment cell on wheels.

Tom and Susan Logan had anticipated fun outdoor activities, not being trapped in a confined space with the most basic facilities and constant interpersonal tension.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “Due to rain we spent hours playing cards accompanied by the whiff of faeces from the chemical toilet, or as I now call it, ‘slop bucket’.

“It was also like prison because there’s no privacy and you can hear every snore and fart from the people around you. At one point I heard a man crying in the night, which was me.

“In that claustrophobic space arguments easily flare up. Emily hit Josh over the head with her iPad and Susan called me a ‘clumsy bastard’ for getting in her way in the ludicrously cramped ‘kitchen’.

“No one actually got ‘shanked’ with a sharpened toothbrush but if we’d had to stay longer I wouldn’t have ruled it out.”

Susan Logan said: “Next time we’re going to a hotel or Center Parcs. I ain’t never going back inside.”

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Internal struggle over whether to get out of bed for pee enters second hour

A WOMAN’s internal dilemma about whether to get up and have a pee has entered its second hour.

Emma Bradford has found herself crippled by indecision and also increasing discomfort in her bladder, as she weighs up whether to make the arduous 15-step journey to the bathroom.

She said: “I’m probably going to fall asleep any minute now, so there’s not much point going all that way.

“But will I piss the bed? I haven’t done that since the hockey club initiation at university, but it’s a possibility. 

“That’d be really bad. Although I suppose the sheets do need washing anyway.”

She added: “Maybe I should just go and get it over with. I’m sure someone told me you can die from not having a wee.”

Bradford will eventually give up thinking about it, convincing herself that her inaction is due to concern over waking her boyfriend even though it is really just laziness.