Family with mountain bikes on car secretly going to multiplex

A FAMILY that appears ready for an outdoor weekend is actually going to spend it at an out-of-town entertainment complex, it has been confirmed.

Although the Logan family’s Explorer 4000 bike rack and costly cycle equipment suggest a trip to the Lake District, their actual destination is the Cinevision MegaPlex in Stoke.

Dad Tom Logan said: “I got the bikes a year ago but when we went to the countryside it was boring, damp and smelled of animal dung. So now we just drive around with them on the roof.

“When we arrive at the leisure complex on Friday evening we’ll probably be tired from the 20-minute drive, so we’ll just unpack a few things and have a night-time walk to the on-site Wetherspoon’s.

There isn’t much wildlife there but let’s face it, with a budget of $250 million the latest Marvel will shit on seeing a kingfisher.”

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Swearing no longer counts toward character limit, confirms Twitter

OBSCENE language will not be considered part of Twitter’s 140-character limit, it has been revealed.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced that he will allow users to add an unlimited number of swearing-based insults, making it easier than ever to attack the life choices of someone you will never meet.

Dorsey said: “Gone are the days when you had to choose between calling someone a goatfucker and a dozy streak of piss — now you can do both.

“There’s no difference between calling someone a cock, a total cock, and a total fucking cock-headed oxygen thief.”

Internet user Stephen Malley, who Tweets under the name @fuckEUscum, said: “I used to avoid getting into discussions on Twitter, because once you’ve told a high-profile feminist to get back in the kitchen, you don’t have a lot of characters left to explain the nuance of your argument.

“I never thought I’d see the day when I could just write the word ’minge’ at Katy Perry for hours at a time, but here we are.”