Fathers furious at being summoned from shed

FATHERS are demanding an end to Father’s Day, after they were forced to leave their gardens to awkwardly receive a token gift.

The annual tepid celebration of the more emotionally distant parent caused considerable inconvenience as many fathers had to come into the house to be handed a Nick Hornby book and a card with racing cars on.

63-year-old father Stephen Malley said: “I don’t like Nick Hornby, racing cars or emotion so this was a triple-decker annoyance.

“I wasted at least five minutes on acknowledging the ill-considered offerings before I was able to return to the wooden structure in the garden where I basically live in voluntary isolation.”

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “The only present I ever want is to be left alone. Why can’t these people understand that?

“My children are pleasant enough but ultimately they’re just sexual by-products and I have a piece of wood I need to saw up.”

Fathers are now calling for Father’s Day to be either stopped altogether or combined with Christmas so that it can be safely ignored.

However many Britons are today experiencing mild guilt after having forgotten Father’s Day.

26-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I thought it was next week or something, and thus completely forgot to buy a Nick Hornby book and a card with racing cars on.

“Oh well. Fuck it.”



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New Pixar film not teeming with truculent piss-artists

BRAVE, the new Pixar film set in Scotland, has invented a type of Scottish person which does not and will never exist.

The studio’s latest CGI masterpiece is about a wee red-haired lassie who lives in a glen and is feisty.

Her heavily bearded parents are noble and kilted but have neither a criminal record or a proud sense of entitlement to other people’s money.

Julian Cook, a film analyst, said: “It suggests that the wee, red-haired lassie’s feistiness is some sort of inherent character trait as opposed to the more common Scottish condition of ‘bevy anger’.

“It would be nice if Brave was a little more authentically Scottish but then they would have to change the name to Fuck You, Ya Prick and it wouldn’t get a PG rating outside of Scotland.”

Scotland’s feisty nationalist government is hoping the film will boost tourism by attracting the sort of people who think the world looks like a cartoon.

Experts said that Paris was inundated with tourists after the release of The Hunchback of Notre Dame as thousands of wobbly, Prozac-filled Americans climbed the famed cathedral to talk to a gargoyle.

A Scottish government spokesman said: “If people could watch the film and then believe that is what Scotland is really like, that would be excellent.

“We have studied the tourism industry laws for all major developed nations and cannot find a refund clause based on ‘Pixar lied to me’.”

Meanwhile, Hollywood is jumping onboard the Scottish fantasy bandwagon with a remake of Brigadoon, about a mystical village that only appears when Scotland qualifies for an international football tournament.