Female friend of gay man secretly believes he will one day turn straight

THE longtime female friend of an out and proud gay man secretly believes he will one day become straight, she has revealed. 

Helen Archer of Manchester admits that friend Joseph Turner has shown few signs of his latent heterosexuality in their 11-year friendship so far, but that she knows him better than anyone and that it could happen any day.

She continued: “He can’t stay in a relationship. That tells you something.

“Yes, on the surface it’s because he can’t stop cheating on them with twinks, but I think he actually finds the constantly available sex dissatisfying.

“Sexuality is fluid, after all – I kissed a girl once, at sixth form – and he’s 30 now and beginning to realise that lust is less important than companionship.

“Meanwhile we’re having such tremendous fun together that it’s no big deal to me if he takes his time working out what he wants. When we went to New York he shagged a guy from Grindr even though we were sharing a room! It was hilarious!”

Turner said: “Oh, I’m fully aware what she thinks. And straights, by keeping her off the market I’m doing you one massive favour.”

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Women forced to attend thermostat awareness course

WOMEN across the UK are being forced to attend a one-day thermostat awareness course to learn how they work. 

The courses, run by the Department of Energy, are compulsory for anyone who has committed two or more thermostat misuse infractions in a 72-hour period and are projected to save the UK millions of pounds in bills.

Instructor Dr Thomas Booker said: “This is a thermostat. It can sense the temperature.

“When set to, for example, 21 degrees, it will regulate the temperature of your home at 21 degrees by turning the heating off or on without – and this is important – any need for manual adjustment.

“If you are feeling a little cold and adjust it upwards to, say, 30 degrees, it will not provide a short-term boost of heat but will begin heating the entire home to tropical temperatures. The opposite will happen if adjusted down, though that’s of course entirely theoretical.

“The way to operate a thermostat is simply to choose the temperature you’re most comfortable with and to leave it alone and not touch it. Let me repeat that: pick a temperature, do not touch it and leave it alone.”

Attendee Donna Sheridan said: “Nah. I still don’t get it.”