First class on regional trains not like Orient Express, man discovers

THE first class sections of regional trains do not feature the opulent luxury and fine dining experiences of the Orient Express, a man has found.

Hoover salesman Roy Hobbs upgraded due to his Midland Arrivo train from Tamworth to Stoke being unbearably packed, but did not feel he was treated as a member of the glamorous international elite.

Hobbs said: “I was looking forward to relaxing in a posh armchair and pouring some whisky from a decanter, but when I got to first class it was almost identical to the pit of human misery I’d just come from.

“It was less busy, but there were no waiters in white tuxedos or antique lamps, just tired-looking men in cheap suits using spreadsheets in a sad way.

“I searched for the bar, where I planned to flirt with an attractive divorcee, but suddenly found myself back in standard with teenage goths and their dogs.”

He added: “When the ticket collector arrived I asked if lobster thermidor was on the menu in the dining car, but he just looked confused.”

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London in grip of normality

LONDON is today in the grip of normality, with millions having their breakfast then going to work.

As the sun rose on a slightly chilly but otherwise pleasant spring day, residents of the metropolis faced up to doing the things that they would ordinarily do.

Librarian Susan Traherne said: “I’m going to have a bowl of Jordan’s Country Crisp with the dried strawberry bits in it and a cup of tea, and then get on the busy tube train to my work.

“I might read a few pages of my book on the way, if I can be arsed.

“As ever it will be a long and tiring day, and the city can be frustrating but it’s really not too bad.”

24-year-old accounts assistant Wayne Hayes said: “After work I’m going to a bar where they just sell small batch gin and ironic retro crabsticks.

“You might find that annoying and I suppose it is a bit, but hey it’s a free country.”