First-time buyers advised to not bother

ANYONE struggling to buy a house has been advised to give the whole nightmare as wide a berth as possible.

Rising house prices and stricter lending criteria mean that tens of thousands may never know the abject misery of being chained to a mortgage for the next 25 years.

Property expert Carolyn Ryan said: “Imagine seeing on the news that banks had decided to raise their interest rates and not giving the slightest shit about it. That was all of us, once.

“Unfortunately, if you were foolish enough to believe the hype, you’re now the proud owner of a house you don’t want, somewhere you don’t want to live, with someone you don’t want to live with.

“But at least your family can sell it to pay for your care when you’re old.”

Homeowner Joseph Turner said: “People moan about renting from landlords who don’t want to spend a penny on maintaining a dilapidated property as it falls down around them.

“But when you buy a house, you are that landlord. The heating breaks? It’s your problem. The roof leaks? Your problem. You cannot imagine the depths of my self-loathing.

“Certainly you’re free to paint the walls purple, though. If that’s your idea of a good time, go on and buy a fucking house.”

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Call for all buildings to look like vaginas

ALL buildings should look at least vaguely like a vagina, it has been agreed.

Following celebrated architect Zaha Hadid’s vagina-like stadium design, most people said there was just something about it which made an enormous amount of sense.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Is it a sexual experience? Am I returning to the womb? Am I exploring the feminine side of my nature? Is it a sexual experience?”

According to the Institute for Studies, people who work in a steel or timber-framed vagina are 23 per cent more productive, 48 per cent less likely to suffer from stress and when asked how they are feeling almost always say, ‘really good’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Meanwhile, people who work in penis-shaped buildings are always challenging each other to noisy feats of strength.”

Jane Thompson, from Finsbury Park, said: “When I see a vagina-shaped building it makes me feel 10 feet tall.

“It also makes me feel like I should have laser beams coming out of my eyes.”