First-time buyers still pathetic

YOUNG would-be homebuyers are still clinging to their nauseating rose-tinted hopes and dreams, it has emerged. 

According to a new survey of the hopelessly naive, pathetic whimpering among prospective first-time buyers rose 34 per cent in the first half of 2024 with many still failing to comprehend that the world is a cold, uncaring place.

Nikki Hollis, a 28-year-old teacher, said: “My boyfriend and I work hard, dress tastefully and recently bandaged the wing of an injured jackdaw.

“Why, then, can we not get a mortgage on a £450,000 two-bedroom semi in Surbiton? Don’t start bringing up salaries. We’re good people.”

Partner Tom Booker said: “The bank says the only way we can afford our own place is buying cheap wine and the Lidl pre-sliced white bread that gives you cancer.

“The newspaper came round to take photos of us standing by a For Sale sign in the rain, looking forlorn. But still no one wanted to give us a house – well, there was one but it was in Zone 3 which is just not practical.

“I’m not sure I want to live in a country where it’s difficult to get things. And yet despite there being an election on, no party has yet knocked on the door to promise us the property we want, not even the Greens.”

Property expert Stephen Malley said: “High interest rates and rising prices mean young people, especially whingers who believe they should get everything on a plate because they got good GCSEs, are struggling to take that first step onto the property ladder.

“As if anyone gives a f**k.”

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Starmer's change bears uncanny resemblance to old-school Conservatism

THE promised ‘change’ that Keir Starmer keeps going on about is remarkably similar to old-fashioned Conservative values, people have noticed.

Voters digging into Labour’s ambiguous ‘change’ manifesto have been left confused as it seems to bear more than a passing resemblance to what the Conservative party stood for just a few decades ago.

Tom Booker from Stoke-on-Trent said: “Even if you squint you can’t tell the difference between Starmer’s Labour and pre-2010 Conservatism. It’s even being sold with the same bullshit slogans.

“There are lots of modest pledges that won’t amount to any real change, a continuation of the two-child benefit cap, and no intention to abolish tuition fees. I guess he’s trying to give the people what he thinks they want? Which appears to be a slightly-less-shit version of David Cameron. Great.”

Emma Bradford from Keynsham said: “Starmer’s change is like the stunt double of old Tory policies. Film it from the right angle and the two blend together seamlessly.

“Maybe it’s all part of a masterplan to get the public on side, then when he’s in power he’ll unleash his radical leftist schemes like free wi-fi and denuclearisation. Either that or he’s really just a centre-right suit who sadly looks progressive in the shitshow of modern politics.”

Starmer said: “I really am just a centre-right suit who sadly looks progressive in the shitshow of modern politics. Vote for me.”