First-Time Buyers Still Pathetic

YOUNG would-be homebuyers are still clinging to their nauseatingly rose-tinted hopes and dreams, it was claimed last night.

According to the Institute for Studies, patheticness among prospective first-time buyers rose 34% in the first quarter of 2010, with many still failing to comprehend why the world is such a cold, hard, awful place.

Nikki Hollis, a 28-year-old teacher, said: “My boyfriend and I work hard, dress tastefully and recently bandaged the wing of an injured jackdaw.

She added:”Why then can we not afford a two-bed semi in Surbiton? I’m not sure I want to live in a country where it’s difficult to get things.”

Tom Logan, the boyfriend, said: “On our combined salaries, the only way we could ever afford a place is if we start buying cheap wine and the supermarket own brand, pre-sliced bread that gives you cancer. It’s a death sentence.

The Guardian came round to take photos of us standing by a For Sale sign in the rain, looking forlorn. But still no one wanted to give us a house – well, there was one but it was in Zone 3 which is just not practical.

“Unless something is done soon I’m going to have to perform a piece of expressive dance called ‘Stuck in the Property Birth Canal’ to articulate my feelings of frustration.”

Property expert Stephen Malley said: “Large deposits, rising prices and wage freezes mean that many young people are struggling to take that first step onto the property ladder.

“As if anyone gives a fuck.”


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Media Mount 24-Hour Vigil Outside Cheryl Cole's Fandango

THE world’s media last night set up camp outside Cheryl Cole’s vagina amid mounting rumours it is about to be reactivated.

Sources say there is now a strong chance of sexual mingling between the freak-rating Geordie cuckold and the grammatically-challenged singer from the Black Eyed Peas.

Veteran US reporter Charlie Reeves said: “I was there when US troops pulled out of Vietnam and I swear I’ll be there when that pretty little thing’s clampouch sees some action from that rap feller.

“The last thing you want as a reporter is to be asleep when he drags her into the john for a quick bout of attendant-thumping and hiding the old one-eyed penis.

“I remember back in ’85, I was at my grandmother’s funeral and missed out on Sean Penn wheel-barrowing Madonna around New York’s Latin Quarter nightclub. Got fired. Deserved it.”

BBC coverage of Cole’s tupsy is being spearheaded by award-winning Falklands sweetheart Brian Hanrahan, who has been monitoring her vaginal status since the early days of Girls Aloud.

Hanrahan said: “Over the years there’s been speculation as to the exact number of winkies that have been wiped on her curtains, but I counted them all in and I counted them all out.”

Will.I.Am,  the imminent Cole-doer and veteran pea, said: “I know that in the UK she’s the surprisingly hairy queen of shit-kicking hearts, so I promise not to spoil her.

“And rest assured, if Fergie gets her wish and ends up Anting Cheryl’s Dec, I will video the absolute hell out of it.”