Lord Ashcroft To Buy Belgium Instead

TORY donor Lord Ashcroft has abandoned his plans to buy Britain and is now switching his attention to Belgium, it was confirmed last night.

After spending £200m on winning Carlisle, the billionaire said he had been too ambitious and would focus on collecting a series of smaller countries and then using each of them for a different kind of evil.

A spokesman said: “We’re going to turn Belgium into a nuclear waste dump and dolphin reprocessing plant then lease it to some Chinese gangsters via a tax-efficient, off the shelf, dummy corporation based in the Isle of Sheppey.

“We’ll turn Latvia into a huge arms bazaar, there’s a couple of charming little African countries that haven’t been totally raped and I don’t suppose anyone’s doing anything with New Zealand now all the hobbits are dead.”

In London the defeated winner David Cameron pledged to carry on doing that thing where he raises his chin slightly while pointing at nothing in particular with his thumb and saying ‘this is a great country’ over and over again, before realising that everyone had drifted out of the room.

The Tory leader added: “Hello? Helloooooooo? This is a great country…. hello?”

Last night’s election result puked up a number of things that are exciting for the sort of people who are interested in politics, including a shock defeat for Lib Dem contraption Lembik Opit and a delightful fourth place finish for Esther Rantzen, the tawdry ambulance chaser who thought that presenting That’s Life was the same as being the Secretary of State for Trade and Industry.

In Brighton, a spokesman for the local council said the election of Britain’s first Green MP could be a mixed blessing for the borough, adding: “It will attract lots of sex tourists intent on having it off with our tie-dye hippy sluts, but it may also deter lots of other people, worried about the vast amounts of honking vegetarian gas that’s emitted by those very same ganja-smoking, free-love tarts.”

Meanwhile the body of a man believed to be the husband of former home secretary Jacqui Smith has been discovered in a wheelie bin on the outskirts of Redditch with a VHS copy of Creamy Jugs IV sticking out of his badly bruised face.


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Clegg Pondering Ghastly Act Of Necrophilia

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg is today wondering whether he should have sex with something that is obviously dead.

In the aftermath of the one most deceptively tedious election results in decades, Mr Clegg has called for a period of reflection before he decides whether or not to ejaculate into a rapidly stiffening corpse.

Sources said the business secretary Peter Mandelson will act as matchmaker and has already begun to organise some form of ghoulish wedding ceremony before the stench becomes unbearable.

A Downing Street insider said: “Peter has asked a mortician to manipulate the corpse’s face so we can recreate that wonderful smile and then we’re going to plaster some bright red lipstick on it. It’ll make a lovely photograph.

“We’re still debating whether to dress the body in a kilt or go for the classic morning suit accompanied by a rather nifty top hat. Though admittedly the kilt will make it a lot easier for Nick to access the err… hole.”

The source added: “During the vows Peter will fill in for the corpse, what with it being dead, and then we’ll take them both to a really nice two star hotel near King’s Cross and give Nick some privacy to go about his unspeakable business.”

A Lib Dem source said: “The corpse is quite heavy and unwieldy so Paddy Ashdown and Ming Campbell have offered to hang around for a couple of minutes and help Nick heave it into the right position – probably bent over a chest of drawers.”

But a Conservative spokesman insisted: “It may well be that the voters are sending us a message about the first past the post system, but surely that doesn’t mean you have to fuck a dead guy.”

Meanwhile there are growing concerns for Mr Clegg today after his cheeks swelled up, obscuring his eyes, nose and mouth before eventually bumping up against each other in the middle of his face.

A spokesman said: “It started shortly after the polls closed. I’m sure it’s just an allergic reaction but I have to admit he is starting to look like a gigantic arse.”