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Five distinctly British sexualities that will exist in a year's time

SEXUALITY is a mysterious thing, but society is learning more about it all the time. Here are five uniquely British sexualities that will be identified within 12 months.

Brexitsexual

These are people who get boners at the thought of making questionable, self-harming decisions based on unreliable information. This victimised minority who think they’re the majority face constant discrimination at the hands of ignorant metropolitan types, or so they’d have you believe. That’s why they bravely fly their ‘Brexit pride’ flag, the Union Jack.

Scouseosexual

Scouseosexuals find the phlegmy, borderline incomprehensible accent more of an aphrodisiac than a plateful of oysters. Closed-minded people may scoff and kink-shame, but everyone has their own sexual preferences. And after your session on Pornhub last night, you’re one to talk.

Welsh-curious

Can you not stop thinking about what it would be like to have sex with a Welsh person? Do you find yourself having constant X-rated thoughts about Charlotte Church or Dylan Thomas? You could be Welsh-curious. Bigots will say it’s not a real thing but you should ignore them, they’re on the wrong side of history.

Demiromantic queer gender-fluid transLondonsexual

The wide-ranging sexual orientation for people living in the capital. Cut through the jargon and it just means everyone in London is desperately trendy yet tragically lonely so they’ll have sex with anyone or anything in a vibrant, depressing f**k fest. Don’t judge someone for finding comfort in sex with a pigeon until you’ve lived in an overpriced ‘studio flat’ in Peckham.

Closetsexual

Being deeply, deeply repressed has been the standard sexuality of Britain for generations. It usually involves having a conventional heterosexual lifestyle with a loving family but unable to admit your true desires, whether it’s not being married to the wrong person or wanting Angela Rayner to ride you like a horse. Much progress is needed before Britons can openly talk about their true sexual desires, thank f**k.

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'I know, yeah': Six platitudes for when someone shares an opinion you completely disagree with

WE Brits are such a spirited nation that when someone says something objectionable, we keep quiet and bitch about it later. Here are some great cowardly phrases to use. 

‘I know, yeah’

Note the clever use of the word ‘know’ – it sounds like you mean ‘agree’, but you don’t. You know what they’re saying, you know the cesspit that this particular conversation is headed into, and you’ve done nothing to challenge it. That told them!

‘What’s the world coming to?’

A wonderful statement of nothing. Everything is bad, without specifically endorsing their fascist take on immigration. Problem successfully swept under the carpet. 

‘It’s crazy’

Actually they’re crazy. But you’re not going to tell a crazy person they’re crazy, so say this instead. It may make you a coward, but at least cowards don’t have to awkwardly leave dinner parties early because they called someone’s husband a bigoted prick. Also the roulade looks really nice.

‘Really?’

You sound interested, but you haven’t committed to an opinion. Chances are they’re only talking because they like the sound of their own voice, so ‘Really?’ will make them waffle on pointlessly or start pulling articles off the internet that support their view, giving you the chance to edge away and disappear. They won’t be offended, just look for their next victim.

Just tut

You don’t actually have to listen to a word they’re saying. Give a little head shake, a tut, and now and again an eye-roll. From their point of view, you’ve given who or whatever they’re complaining about a real dressing down too. 

‘What are you gonna do?’

The perfect transition away from a horrible conversation topic: politely tell them to give up. Now you can move on to uncontroversial topics you both agree on, like the weather, where the only danger is boredom-induced brain damage.

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