WONDERING how school kids are meant to express their British pride when they can’t even tie their shoelaces? Here are five weird ways they’ll be made to celebrate this strange day.
Sing a creepy anthem
Repeatedly chanting patriotic slogans has some bad precedents in history. However we can’t be too harsh on ‘Strong Britain, Great Nation’ because the words were written by primary school kids. The dreary melody is still toe-curlingly shite though.
Create portraits of Boris Johnson out of dried pasta
Terrible arts and crafts projects are a staple of school festivities, so One Britain One Nation Day will probably be no exception. Parents will be delighted by fusilli twists clumsily glued into the shape of our great leader.
Burn history books
Learning about our colonial past would put a downer on the big day. That’s why school kids will be encouraged to fling problematic history books into a giant roaring furnace. This will also free up important shelf space for Johnson’s Shakespeare biography, which will be at the heart of the English curriculum.
Perform boring plays
Important events from our recent history could be mythologised via arse-achingly dull plays, eg. the tale of how Boris Johnson finally got Brexit done, or Rishi Sunak saved the entire nation with a discount on pub lunches.
Not take part
Scottish schools will celebrate in their own special way by shutting for the summer and doing absolutely nothing. Not having to take part in this embarrassing event will be a joy in itself, and probably avert the need for a second referendum.