Five f**king crazy ways schools will celebrate One Britain One Nation day

WONDERING how school kids are meant to express their British pride when they can’t even tie their shoelaces? Here are five weird ways they’ll be made to celebrate this strange day.

Sing a creepy anthem

Repeatedly chanting patriotic slogans has some bad precedents in history. However we can’t be too harsh on ‘Strong Britain, Great Nation’ because the words were written by primary school kids. The dreary melody is still toe-curlingly shite though.

Create portraits of Boris Johnson out of dried pasta

Terrible arts and crafts projects are a staple of school festivities, so One Britain One Nation Day will probably be no exception. Parents will be delighted by fusilli twists clumsily glued into the shape of our great leader.

Burn history books

Learning about our colonial past would put a downer on the big day. That’s why school kids will be encouraged to fling problematic history books into a giant roaring furnace. This will also free up important shelf space for Johnson’s Shakespeare biography, which will be at the heart of the English curriculum.

Perform boring plays

Important events from our recent history could be mythologised via arse-achingly dull plays, eg. the tale of how Boris Johnson finally got Brexit done, or Rishi Sunak saved the entire nation with a discount on pub lunches.

Not take part

Scottish schools will celebrate in their own special way by shutting for the summer and doing absolutely nothing. Not having to take part in this embarrassing event will be a joy in itself, and probably avert the need for a second referendum.

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Six useless ways you tried to hide the smell of weed as a teenager

DID you think a spray of Lynx Africa in a bedroom that pungently stank of weed helped? It didn’t. No doubt you tried these other tricks too:

Lighting a joss stick

As a teenager you placed great faith in the power of a joss stick to cover up suspicious smells. However, expecting a barely scented stick of Nag Champa to erase the powerful stench of numerous badly rolled joints is something that only a mind addled by drugs would attempt.

Opening a window

Opening a window may have reduced the fug of smoke that built up but it did naff all about the pungent aroma that penetrated your mum’s soft furnishings. Twenty years later, the landing of your childhood home still has a faint whiff of pot.

Squirting Lynx Africa

Just like in a BO-infused schoolboy’s changing room, adding Lynx Africa to the smell of weed simply made the smell mutate into something even more potent and disgusting. The only benefit was that you created an odour so rank that your parents didn’t want to approach your bedroom.

Leaning awkwardly out of a window

This genius plan failed because giggling stoned people can’t be arsed to stand in an uncomfortable position for ages, and smoke doesn’t obediently fly out of the window and never return.

Setting the kitchen on fire

Getting so stoned that you set the grill on fire while trying to make cheese on toast annoyed the crap out of your parents. On the other hand it stopped your house smelling of drugs and meant your mum insisted on making all your snacks until you left home. So once the fire brigade had left, it was a bit of a winner.

Denial

If everything else failed, you denied it was you and blamed your sibling. They still have a tragically distant relationship with your parents, but at least you remain the favourite child to this day.

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