Five good reasons to hate and fear groups of schoolchildren on the bus

GETTING a bus? You’d better hope it’s not already been colonised by a group of schoolkids. Here’s why you should be very afraid.

They’re stronger than they used to be

Margaret Thatcher may have taken away school milk, but these kids are amped up on neon energy drinks filled with illegal stimulants and buzzing on cheap vapes. With their Hulk-like strength, they could easily wrestle you from your prime seat at the back of the bus or call you a paedo with impunity.

They’re wearing intimidating uniforms

It would be wrong to say that their dark uniforms with black blazers put you in mind of a certain branch of the WW2 German military known for war crimes, but that shared ‘Sunnybrook School’ crest probably makes them think and act as one merciless, acne-covered unit.

They have youth on their side

Children famously have more energy than adults who can barely get through a desk job on five cups of black coffee. If they attack you, you won’t stand a chance. You’ll just have to sit there and take it. You’ll probably cry like you did at school, which will make them despise you even more and do worse Chinese burns.

They know new words

Back when you were bullied on the bus as a kid, you at least knew what they were talking about when they called you a ‘massive bender’. Now that 30 years have passed they’ve got all sorts of frightening new slang. They’ll be calling you a ‘wristwatch’ and cackling and you won’t even know why.

They probably do extra-curricular activities

Never mind the torture methods they’re learning about in history, what about outside school? It’s been years since you’ve used your yellow belt in karate, but they all probably do kickboxing now. Oh well. You’ve been meaning to try walking home from work anyway. You can live with the indelible shame of cowardice.

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Which arsehole should your teenage son idolise after Andrew Tate?

YOU’VE discovered your teenage son is a horrible misogynist thanks to Andrew Tate. So which terrible male role model could he be brainwashed by next?

Logan Paul

The social media star has had to apologise several times for unsuitable content he posted online. However, since he tried his hand at boxing, he’s won over many of his critics who are all very happy to watch him being repeatedly punched in the head.

Jordan Peterson

The psychology professor, pseudo-intellectual and so-called culture warrior is a divisive figure. Some people think you shouldn’t listen to him because he’s a shit-for-brains American. This is unfair; he’s actually a shit-for-brains Canadian.


While the Marvel superhero is generally a positive character, believing in justice and the importance of family, his ability to shrink down to the size of an ant and then grow to 50 feet tall gives young men unrealistic body expectations.

Johnny Depp

Johnny won’t be winning any Husband of the Year awards, but he’s an inspiration to young men who want to become actors. Anyone who’s that unlikeable in real life but can become loveable Captain Jack Sparrow deserves his Oscars.

Matty Healy

It’s thought the song that most influenced the lead singer of The 1975 was probably Radiohead’s first big hit. Not because he likes the chord progression or contrasting guitar sounds but because he’s a f**king creep.

Harry Styles

To go from being fodder for a crap music competition to a megastar who’s won Grammys and dated Olivia Wilde is pretty clear proof Harry has signed a deal with Satan. Selling your soul and being tortured in Hell forever is bad advice however you look at it.

Dick Dastardly

While his contribution to the world of motorsport is without question, his attempts to run Penelope Pitstop off the road were a sign of underlying misogyny. There are also concerns that teenage boys will imitate his attempts to aggressively harass a carrier pigeon.