Five great things we had in the 1970s that we won't have in the coming 70s rerun

READY for the return of the shortages and inflation of the 1970s? Don’t worry, the Tories won’t offer us these comforts: 

Free university education

You actually got paid by the government to go to university. That’s mental. It’s like being paid to do a trolley dash. You also had to shag lots of hairy people, but on the bright side it cost a princely £2.75 to see The Who.

Affordable housing

In 1974 the average house cost four times the annual salary, though the woodchip wallpaper was f**king horrible. You couldn’t borrow money, mind, but saving for a deposit wasn’t so impossibly unlikely a prospect. If you didn’t mind spending the first four years of marriage living with her parents.

Excellent drugs

The 70s had drugs nobody ever heard of again: Mandrax, mescaline, geniune cocaine, the pioneering use of glue, and valium just everywhere. Alright your local disco in Tamworth wasn’t awash with it all, but at least somebody was having fun.

EEC membership

Remember when we were absolutely gagging to join that big club of European nations to access their delicious markets? We finally joined them in 1973. Wonder what happened to that.

Flared trousers

A decade with an unmistakeable sense of style found its apothesis in the flare. Visually ring-fencing the 70s by making sure any photos taken then are unmistakably of their era, the sheer abandon of foot-wide bell bottoms made the oil crisis no big deal. The Tories will ban them because they don’t suit Jacob Rees-Mogg’s silhouette.

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Six reasons working from a cafe sucks balls

WORKING from a cafe? Trying to convince yourself it was a good idea? These are the reasons it wasn’t:

Comfort

The tables are the wrong height, the wrong shape and wobbly, so you’ve already spilt latte on your laptop twice. And after a day on a high stool, a hard chair, or a sofa with zero lumbar support your back will be killing. It’s as if they don’t even want you to spend an eight-hour working day here.

Snacks

In a normal working day 50 per cent of your brainpower is consumed mulling over what snack you’ll have next. In a cafe that goes up to 85 per cent, but you can’t satisfy your cravings without facing the barista’s judgement as you order four giant cookies, two slices of carrot cake and a tuna toastie.

Plug sockets

You fell asleep watching First Dates last night and your laptop has 13 per cent battery. The only plug socket in the cafe is being used by a smug bastard playing car racing games on his iPad with the sound up. You’re so worried about your dwindling charge you can’t concentrate on your work.

Children

You’ve escaped your own kids but that doesn’t protect you from other people’s. And whether they’re lobbing sugar packets at you or singing along to Mr Tumble, you’ll wish they were your kids because then you could scream at them to shut the f**k up.

Toilets

You’ve ordered four bucket-size coffees; there’s no way you’re making it through the morning without a toilet trip. Make sure you take your laptop with you to pick up the scent of ‘eau de Starbucks shitter’, a potent combination of human waste and cleaning fluids. There is never a window.

People are staring

You honestly think it’s not weird to hammer away at a keyboard and take calls on a wireless headset in a space intended for people to drink hot chocolate? Bemusement, pity, contempt: you’ll attract the full range of glares. But it’s better than the only face you see being your own dead-eyed reflection. Hatred has become valuable human contact for you.