SHOPPING for your miserable adolescent who last removed their headphones in March? These five presents won’t even make a dent in their resentment:
Clothes
Clothing your child is a basic hallmark of being a competent parent, and your child knows that and equates not being bought £180 Air Jordans as abuse. If you dare choose a style or brand on your own, they will point out you have basically invited bullies to humiliate and scar them forever.
Tech
Having the newest, flashiest mobile is a human right, so don’t expect your hormone-crazed progeny to react with anything but a scowl when you offer them the latest iPhone 18 or whatever number it’s on now. Do you wait to Christmas to upgrade your phone? Exactly, sneers your 16-year-old.
Money
Surely providing your child with cold hard cash that they can spend on whatever they damn well please should raise a smile? Surely even the vile whelp that hisses when you open their bedroom curtains responds to bribes? No. It prompts a rant about capitalism and the injustice of economic outcomes as the money is pocketed.
Alcohol
Apparently his mate Dylan’s parents let him drink as much as he likes because they trust him, so buying your teenager a nice bottle of wine is an insult to your outraged daughter who cannot believe you still act like she’s a baby, and why don’t you just kill her if you hate her so much?
Your death
Really, the only appropriate Christmas gift for your adolescent is for you to disappear off the face of this earth, leaving behind your house, the dog he begged for but never walks, and a meagre inheritance he’ll blow on weed, festival tickets and takeout coffee. Finally something he actually wants.
