Five ideal gifts for scowling, ungrateful teenagers

SHOPPING for your miserable adolescent who last removed their headphones in March? These five presents won’t even make a dent in their resentment: 


Clothing your child is a basic hallmark of being a competent parent, and your child knows that and equates not being bought £180 Air Jordans as abuse. If you dare choose a style or brand on your own, they will point out you have basically invited bullies to humiliate and scar them forever.


Having the newest, flashiest mobile is a human right, so don’t expect your hormone-crazed progeny to react with anything but a scowl when you offer them the latest iPhone 18 or whatever number it’s on now. Do you wait to Christmas to upgrade your phone? Exactly, sneers your 16-year-old.


Surely providing your child with cold hard cash that they can spend on whatever they damn well please should raise a smile? Surely even the vile whelp that hisses when you open their bedroom curtains responds to bribes? No. It prompts a rant about capitalism and the injustice of economic outcomes as the money is pocketed.


Apparently his mate Dylan’s parents let him drink as much as he likes because they trust him, so buying your teenager a nice bottle of wine is an insult to your outraged daughter who cannot believe you still act like she’s a baby, and why don’t you just kill her if you hate her so much?

Your death

Really, the only appropriate Christmas gift for your adolescent is for you to disappear off the face of this earth, leaving behind your house, the dog he begged for but never walks, and a meagre inheritance he’ll blow on weed, festival tickets and takeout coffee. Finally something he actually wants.

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Woman mourns only pair of jeans that truly understood her

A WOMAN is devastated about the untimely passing of the only pair of jeans that she has ever truly loved.

Sophie Rodriguez purchased the high-rise, slim-fit jeans on a whim when they caught her eye as she walked through a department store looking for a toilet.

Rodriguez said: “I’ve spent many hours fruitlessly trying on jeans which are always too tight, too short or make my bum look like a melon forced into a balloon.

“But when I laid eyes on these beauties, there was an instant connection. It felt serendipitous. I tried them on and they did up round my waist with no struggle. I didn’t see my arse in them and want to burst into tears.

“I wore them every day after that, I couldn’t get enough, even though I knew they would soon wear through at the inner thigh and I was literally loving them to death.

“The hole appeared two months ago and yet I couldn’t let go. But yesterday a woman on the bus said ‘I can see your pants, love’ so I knew the dream was over and they had to be laid to rest in the clothing bin in Morrisons’ car park.

“Rest in peace, my gorgeous, dark-wash loves. I’ll never forget you.”