Monday, 10th May 2021

Five subtle clues that it's time to move out of your parents house

MUM and dad have said that there will always be a place for you in their home, which they didn’t mean altogether positively. Here are the signs they want you to piss off: 

They discuss their sex life over dinner

You’re an adult, you’ve been for a pint with your dad, you’ve discussed politics. But do you really want to hear your mother discussing how, post-menopause, there are ongoing dryness issues? No. Which they well know, which is why it came up over the pasta bake in the first place.

They leave sex toys around the house

The advent of the dishwasher-safe sex toy was the greatest moment of domestic liberation since the invention of the microwave. But do you really need to see ominously-shaped silicone objects in the rack next to your treasured Thomas the Tank Engine egg cup? What are your parents trying to tell you?

They’re members of a swingers website

How did you reach your late 20s without realising the true relationship between your parents and ‘Uncle’ Barry and ‘Auntie’ Sue? When they’re mentioned in connection with ‘going full poly’ and ‘Barry’s trawling Tinder for a unicorn, but no luck’ perhaps the penny will drop. And perhaps it’s not just Barry and Sue who aren’t who you thought they were.

They’re planning a post-lockdown orgy

Saturday June 26th has been circled on the calendar, and you’ve been asked if you mind your room being the cloakroom. Phone conversations are about tarpaulins, bulk-buying lube, and your old physics teacher Mr Harvey appears to be a weekend gimp.

They’re having loud and aggressive sex in the living room every evening

You know what? If you go to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and by the time you come back there are knickers hanging from the door handle and the sound of enthusiastic, no-holds-barred banging drowning out The One Show, then maybe it’s time you looked into renting your own place. Yeah?