Monday, 10th May 2021

How to approach a working class voter, by Keir Starmer

I DESPERATELY need to appeal to working class voters, but they can easily become aggressive. Here’s how I win the trust of these unpredictable creatures:

Watch for aggressive males

Like bears, voters can suddenly turn violent. Always take a large security guard and leave the area quickly before they hit you with bad publicity. Although that pub landlord may not have been working class, just an anti-lockdown wanker who runs a twee pub in Bath.

Don’t do anything to provoke them

And I mean ‘anything’. Don’t argue with right-wing working class voters about Brexit, Covid, the British army, dole scroungers or immigration, even if they’re spouting specious bullshit. Agreeing with their arsehole opinions will pay off handsomely in the polls, one of these days.

Leave out ‘treats’ for working class voters

I put out delicious centrist ‘treats’, such as how patriotic I am and how much I love football. This will probably do me no good whatsoever. It’s a cruel irony because I am genuinely into football. My opinion on the European Super League is: what is your opinion? Then that.

Remember they are never truly tame

It’s easy to drop your guard when you’re chatting about the NHS to a pensioner on a mobility scooter in a Northern town. Don’t. At any second they could switch topics and start saying horrific things about Muslims, like a bigoted Davros. Be on your guard and ready to leap away.

Wear camouflage

Wrapping yourself in a metaphorical Union Jack will allow you to blend in with the most patriotic voters. There’s no way hardcore patriots will just vote for as much patriotism as possible, such as an insincere plan by Boris Johnson to build 50 aircraft carriers all called the Duke of Edinburgh and introduce a Spitfire Bank Holiday.

Be persistent 

Like an ornithologist waiting for a goshawk, you need patience to win over working class voters. I’m sure the right-wing press will see how reasonable I am and won’t claim I was Jimmy Savile’s lawyer.