How to approach a working class voter, by Keir Starmer

I DESPERATELY need to appeal to working class voters, but they can easily become aggressive. Here’s how I win the trust of these unpredictable creatures:

Watch for aggressive males

Like bears, voters can suddenly turn violent. Always take a large security guard and leave the area quickly before they hit you with bad publicity. Although that pub landlord may not have been working class, just an anti-lockdown wanker who runs a twee pub in Bath.

Don’t do anything to provoke them

And I mean ‘anything’. Don’t argue with right-wing working class voters about Brexit, Covid, the British army, dole scroungers or immigration, even if they’re spouting specious bullshit. Agreeing with their arsehole opinions will pay off handsomely in the polls, one of these days.

Leave out ‘treats’ for working class voters

I put out delicious centrist ‘treats’, such as how patriotic I am and how much I love football. This will probably do me no good whatsoever. It’s a cruel irony because I am genuinely into football. My opinion on the European Super League is: what is your opinion? Then that.

Remember they are never truly tame

It’s easy to drop your guard when you’re chatting about the NHS to a pensioner on a mobility scooter in a Northern town. Don’t. At any second they could switch topics and start saying horrific things about Muslims, like a bigoted Davros. Be on your guard and ready to leap away.

Wear camouflage

Wrapping yourself in a metaphorical Union Jack will allow you to blend in with the most patriotic voters. There’s no way hardcore patriots will just vote for as much patriotism as possible, such as an insincere plan by Boris Johnson to build 50 aircraft carriers all called the Duke of Edinburgh and introduce a Spitfire Bank Holiday.

Be persistent 

Like an ornithologist waiting for a goshawk, you need patience to win over working class voters. I’m sure the right-wing press will see how reasonable I am and won’t claim I was Jimmy Savile’s lawyer.

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Arsenal and Spurs only invited to Super League to have shit kicked out of them

ARSENAL and Spurs were only invited to join the Super League to guarantee the proper clubs regular easy victories, it has emerged. 

Arsenal, whose current glorious run has seen them lose to Southampton, Wolves and Burnley, have been invited to football’s top table because bullies are nothing without victims.

And Spurs, whose greatest years are only available on a Pathé News Bulletin showreel, are believed to have accepted their role as cannon fodder for vastly superior clubs.

JP Morgan financier Julian Cook said: “Initially, we were going to invite Walsall FC and Hartlepool United.

“But then we realised it would make us look like a bunch of nakedly cynical twats with zero interest in real competition, which is factual but bad PR.

“So, keeping as straight a face as we could, we asked ‘elite’ clubs Arsenal and Spurs as the footballing equivalent of ageing, weak goats tethered to posts to make an easy meal for hungry tigers.

“Real Madrid and Barcelona need a couple of fixtures in which they can rest players, not break a sweat and still win by four clear goals.

“Six months and they’ll be begging for the Europa League. But they’ve signed with us up until the year 2500, the daft mercenary dickheads.”