Five things you'll always love even if they're deeply problematic

THINK you’ve got a good moral compass? Think again. Here are five things you’ll always love even though they’re certifiably dodgy.

The music of Michael Jackson

Can you separate art from the artist? If they cranked out bangers like ‘Smooth Criminal’ and ‘Billie Jean’ then society says a resounding ‘yes’. Just make sure you listen to the King of Pop’s tunes nice and loud so you can drown out your conscience nattering away about Leaving Neverland.

Love Actually

This apparently heart-warming film contains fat shaming, sexual harassment and manipulative stalking masquerading as romance, which should make it an impossible watch in the post-Me Too era. However, you happily snuggle up with it every Christmas, distracting yourself from the myriad bad bits by stuffing your face with Celebrations.

Bacon sandwiches

Yes, they rely on a sentient being getting killed and cut into thin little rashers. And yes, they aren’t doing your arteries any good either. But all of this fades into insignificance as soon as the taste of crispy bacon hits your tongue. They’re a loophole in your logic you’ll gladly ignore forever.

Jetting off on holiday three times a year

The environment’s f**ked and your little jaunts around the planet aren’t helping. But what else are you meant to do, settle for a week in Rhyl or relax on the mud in Weston-super-Mare? Fat chance. The snowflake younger generations need some hard experiences like total climate breakdown to toughen them up anyway.

Buying from Amazon

The working conditions are notoriously bad, and the rock-bottom prices are likely the result of tax avoidance. However it’s the easiest way to buy shit you don’t need and receive it the next working day. And for that, Amazon could nuke the ice caps and it would still have your seal of approval.

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Painting the house purple and other ways to turn your whole street against you

FEELING close to your neighbours since lockdown? Undo all of that goodwill by pissing them off using one of these methods:

Paint your house an obnoxious colour

Unless you live somewhere famous for it like Bristol, painting your house anything other than a tasteful shade of white or beige will infuriate your neighbours into twitching their curtains at you whilst muttering darkly about house prices. You may even get a reputation for being a worshipper of the occult, if your cul-de-sac Facebook group is bored enough.

Have a huge extension built

Spend all the money you saved during lockdown on extending both outwards and upwards. Months of noisy building work and tradesmen’s vans taking up the parking spaces will get on everyone’s tits. Your neighbours will retaliate by sneaking all the shit they can’t be arsed to take to the tip into your skip in the dead of night.

Get heavily into DIY

If you can’t afford experts, take on a mammoth DIY task that you’re incapable of, for example re-tarmacing the drive. Buy a jackhammer and spend every weekend making a hideous racket whilst you slowly dig out the concrete, before heating up some stinking tar and getting it on your neighbour’s car.

Use your garden as a rubbish dump

Nothing ruins the good character of a street more than a front garden full of bin bags, broken toys, plastic patio furniture and a car on bricks. Inviting your friends over to drink cans in the mess before setting some of it on fire will add to the unpleasant ambience and have your neighbours calling the police.

Start a neighbourhood WhatsApp group

If you didn’t already start one as a result of Covid, why not create one now? After an initial pleasant 20 minutes it will quickly degenerate into a series of passive-aggressive rants about bad parking and unkempt hedges, leading the whole street to hate each other as well as you.