Five unexpectedly wise things your toddler definitely didn't f**king say

DID your small child come out with a nugget of profound wisdom you selflessly passed on to others? No they f**king didn’t: 

‘Animals are our best selves, Daddy’

A five-year-old saw a dog and came out with this cogent metaphorical statement? Coincidentally after you’d been explaining the terrible evils of the world to her? Doesn’t even make sense, considering there are cats in the world and they are evil bastards.

‘Life is about finding the passion that makes your heart sing’

Opportune that your daughter said this a fortnight after you began freelance life-coaching. And while Dandelion is a lovely girl she’s just about getting round to understanding the complexities of Peppa Pig. Though she may have said this. It is all over the internet already, after all.

‘God sees us as we truly are’

When you put this in your social media status accredited to your toddler, you seem to be forgetting other people have met him. When did he find time to contemplate the omnipresence of divinity, between throwing his mashed carrots on the floor and loudly and openly shitting himself?

‘Death is a true moment of catharsis’

If Reuben said this, he’s possessed. If he said it in response to a budgie dying, he killed that budgie and you’re next. Are you sure? Not ‘sadness’ or ‘sads’? Colour your followers amazed, because it was just last week he fed crayons into the toaster. Perhaps he’s more of a philosopher.

‘Brexit was built on a pack of lies’

Children learn by repetition, so this one’s believable because if you’re claiming it now you’ve been saying it daily for seven years. Never mind that little Donald was born after Article 50 was triggered, he remembers the referendum campaign was rife with misinformation, even as a sperm in your admittedly Rioja-saturated ballsack.

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Two men in forties very much afraid they could become friends

A PAIR of men in their 40s fear they may inexorably move from being comfortable acquaintances to full-blown friendship. 

Over the past few years, Martin Bishop and Joseph Turner have unwillingly developed a bond due to their shared interests in football and visiting the tip, but have so far resisted any but chance meetings.

Bishop said: “I have to admit, I’m getting a bit concerned I’m making an emotional connection here. How am I going to find time for that?

“First we were at nodding terms at the school gates, then we’re talking about whether Preston can get promoted and John Wick 4, then he borrowed my pressure washer and we both realised we were in too deep.

“It’s too much. I genuinely thought I’d made my last friend in year nine. Certainly I haven’t needed any others these last thirty years. What am I meant to do with a new one?”

Turner agreed: “We’ve already exchanged vague sentiments about going for a pint at some as-yet-undetermined point in the future, so there’s no getting out of it now.

“Just what I bloody need at my time of life. What if someone sees us? How will we explain that?”