Like settling into a lovely warm bath, says Corbyn at Free Palestine rally

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted being back at Free Palestine rallies is like settling into a lovely warm bubble bath. 

The former Labour leader, who spoke to thousands at a rally on Saturday, said seeing that cheering sea of red, green and black made him wonder why he had ever tried to appeal to a wider audience in the first place.

He said: “You know when you don’t realise how badly you’ve missed something until it’s back and your whole body is just oozing relief? That.

“I’ve done stuff with the Saudis and their illegal war on Yemen but it’s just not the same as that classic Israel-Palestine feeling, you know? It’s like coming home.

“God, four years of my life I wasted doing that leadership thing, trying to change the minds of dickheads who wouldn’t know a keffiyeh from a bandana, and now I’m where I should be and wondering why I ever wanted to leave.

“End the violence, end apartheid, end the occupation, all that but let’s not stop holding these no matter what, right? Because they’re making an old man very happy.”

He added: “I’ve got the theme tune from Cheers running through my head and I can’t stop smiling.”

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England reach semi-final, but in rugby

THE England team are in a World Cup semi-final, but sadly only in the game of rugby. 

The team, which represents a certain strata of the country, has achieved something which is impressive until you look again and realise the sport involved.

Wayne Hayes of Newcastle said: “So, there’s been a World Cup on. Seemingly for some time.

“And this ‘England’ team, whose players are household names if your children attend fee-paying schools, have beaten some others and are in the semi-final. I suppose well done.

“This isn’t the one where there’s only six nations involved. I don’t know what that one’s called, but this one’s bigger. Wonder where it’s on? Not anywhere nearby or I’d have heard, surely.

“So yes, we’re playing South Africa and then we could bring home a World Cup. Not the World Cup, obviously. God, imagine if we were in the semi-final of that. I’d be agog.

“Will I watch it? No, I’m not getting up to watch Sky Sports 3 at four in the morning. What? It’s on ITV next Saturday night? Well probably not anyway, no.”