Tuesday, 7th July 2020

Five ways lockdown may exacerbate your natural Britishness

HALF the world is on lockdown, but only in these sceptre’d isles does it manifest like this. Which symptoms are you suffering from? 

Incredibly painful social interaction

Even before, a simple supermarket trip was riddled with apologies and excuse-mes. And with Brits now worried eye contact will spread the virus and desperately deferential to cashiers, wincing can continue for four hours after each trip outside.

Stilted neighbourliness

You’ve known your neighbours six years, after the initial sex-year détente, and exchanged no more than greetings. Now you’re leaving useful items on their doorsteps, waving every day, and getting genuine warmth from Thursday 8pm claps. May last years.

Craving exotic, spicy food

Stuck in a nightmare of bland and incompetently-made food, unrelieved by takeaways you’re afraid of and without an M&S Chicken Dhansak you grabbed at the station, life is unspeakably bland. You’re increasingly desperate for food redolent with fresh herbs and spices from the East, and are putting Piri Piri sauce on a mini pork pie.

Tea drinking at concerning levels

As the British immune response to crisis is to put the kettle on, experts warn that tea drinking may be up by 450 per cent, along with accompanying non-fancy biscuits because that’s what’s left in the cupboard.

Living life of quiet desperation

The British have been doing quiet desperation since at least the Tudors. The prevailing symptom is to be wretchedly unhappy within the house but, when asked how you are, to say brightly that everything is fine.