Five ways lockdown may exacerbate your natural Britishness

HALF the world is on lockdown, but only in these sceptre’d isles does it manifest like this. Which symptoms are you suffering from? 

Incredibly painful social interaction

Even before, a simple supermarket trip was riddled with apologies and excuse-mes. And with Brits now worried eye contact will spread the virus and desperately deferential to cashiers, wincing can continue for four hours after each trip outside.

Stilted neighbourliness

You’ve known your neighbours six years, after the initial sex-year détente, and exchanged no more than greetings. Now you’re leaving useful items on their doorsteps, waving every day, and getting genuine warmth from Thursday 8pm claps. May last years.

Craving exotic, spicy food

Stuck in a nightmare of bland and incompetently-made food, unrelieved by takeaways you’re afraid of and without an M&S Chicken Dhansak you grabbed at the station, life is unspeakably bland. You’re increasingly desperate for food redolent with fresh herbs and spices from the East, and are putting Piri Piri sauce on a mini pork pie.

Tea drinking at concerning levels

As the British immune response to crisis is to put the kettle on, experts warn that tea drinking may be up by 450 per cent, along with accompanying non-fancy biscuits because that’s what’s left in the cupboard.

Living life of quiet desperation

The British have been doing quiet desperation since at least the Tudors. The prevailing symptom is to be wretchedly unhappy within the house but, when asked how you are, to say brightly that everything is fine.

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87 per cent of pious twats who'd ostentatiously left social media come crawling back

ALMOST nine in ten of the smug arseholes who flounced off social media years ago have come shamefacedly back, it has emerged.

Dickheads who once claimed superiority over ordinary, bored Facebook members are now posting childhood photos and spending whole evenings scrolling through pictures of people from school they cannot really remember.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We can now officially confirm that these self-important twats are common scum just like the rest of us.

“If anything, time away from social media has made them even more needy and attention-seeking. They’re adding heart emojis to photos of their friends’ kids 40 per cent more than long-time users.

“We all read your ‘Why I’m leaving Twitter’ and ‘The twee toxicity of Instagram’ but here you are, back on all those and even delving into that garden of f**ksticks that is adult TikTok. I see little hope for them.”

Nikki Hollis admitted: “A mere 42 days in lockdown, and I sneak back in with an artfully-filtered garden photo and every like felt so damn good.

“How did I ever think that genuine human relationships could replace this?”