Five-year-olds told fun is over for next 60 years 

CHILDREN have begun six decades of doing things they do not want to do.

No more dicking around

Infants who previously spent all their time having fun will now be required to dress in clothes they hate, sit down at desks and write words and numbers until they want to cry.

After school, they will come home and write words and numbers until bedtime, a routine which will continue unchanged for the next 13 years.

At 18 years old, they can choose between taking a job where they write words and numbers, taking a job in which 13 years of learning words and numbers was a waste of time, or going to big school for a few years before being presented with the same options again.

They will then continue on their chosen path until the age of 68 or death, whichever comes first.

Five-year-old Tom Logan said: “My favourite thing is doing whatever I want at any given moment, so I was excited about school where mum and dad wouldn’t be there to stop me.

“But it’s even worse. And the big boys say the lessons get harder and harder and you get more and more homework just forever.

“I mean I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but was it really worth me being born?”

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My GQ award made me realise the sky's the limit

Dear Holly,

Although there are the inevitable naysayers, I was delighted to receive a GQ award for philanthropy, and it’s made me realise that the sky’s the limit. I am hoping for Best Newcomer at the MOBOs, Miss World 2014 and, most pressingly, Rear of the Year (if only to wipe the smile of the face off that old strumpet Vorderman). Am I being too ambitious?

Tony Blair


Dear Tony,

At the end of last term Jack Price in Year Four won a special prize for being the best at maths. Everyone clapped and he gave a short speech about the benefits of hard work. One hour later, he was ambushed on the way home and had his bag and one of his shoes thrown into the allotments. The moral of the story is that just because you’ve got a shiny thing with your name on it, it doesn’t mean people like you.

Hope that helps,