F**king idiot has big hopes for 2022

A COMPLETE and total dickhead actually has big hopes for the coming year. 

Nathan Muir of Lincoln is idiot enough to begin a new year believing that the pandemic will lift, life will return to normal, he will enjoy financial and sexual success and will go abroad on holiday.

He said: “Whew, 2021, eh? Glad that’s behind us. Though I remember saying much the same last year.

“And in 2019 when Boris had just won actually, which has turned out even worse than I ever could have feared, and 2018 wasn’t great for me and in 2017 I lost my job and got dumped and we all remember 2016.

“Still, that’s in the past. Things are going to be different this year. All this scare talk about massive gas bills and hyperinflation is just chatter. I’m triple-boosted and life is going to be sweet.

“I’ve booked a fortnight in Crete, I’m house-hunting, I’m flirting it up on Tinder. This Omicron thing’s a blip. We’ll be living like we used to in happier times and I cannot wait.”

Brother Mark Muir said: “I guess I do have one thing to look forward to in 2022. I’ll be able to see Nathan’s naive knobhead dreams crash and burn.”

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Man singing Auld Lang Syne hasn't even texted his acquaintances

A MAN heartily singing Auld Lang Syne barely even bothers to send an emoji to old mates, it has emerged.

Jack Browne is ringing in 2022 by holding hands in a weird way and singing about remembering acquaintances, even though he has not even scanned his WhatsApp groups in months.

Distant friend Ryan Whittaker said: “I’m not expecting Jack to send one of those long paragraph texts where he apologises for drifting apart and drunkenly reveals that he always thought I was a bloody good mate. Although that would be nice.

“But he’s completely betrayed the noble intentions of the song’s lyrics by not even sending a generic ‘Happy New Year!’ I’d kid myself that he sent it to me directly instead of just spamming everyone with a blanket message, we could all move on.

“He’s out there singing it but he’s not living by its principles. I haven’t had a text from him since the pandemic kicked off. Auld acquaintance has been thoroughly forgot in my case.

“I’ll be the bigger person and get the ball rolling by sending a message first. Yeah, you know what? Let’s get 2022 off to a great start by doing exactly that.”

Checking his phone, Browne said: “New message from ‘Ryan’? Doesn’t ring a bell. Delete.”