The Christmas traditions you'd happily never see again

CHRISTMAS is a time for doing things you’ve done so many times before that you hate them. Here are some traditions you’d love to see the back of:

Carol singing

A group of random strangers come to your door and make you stand there awkwardly shuffling your feet as they tunelessly sing a Christmas song at you. What are you supposed to do when they’ve finished? Give them some money? Or tell them to piss off and close the door in their faces as quickly as you can?


Instead of settling down to watch a shit Bond film like A View To A Kill, some awful families insist on playing charades, which is both tiresome and embarrassing. Other parlour games have quietly died a death without anyone missing them, and in the era of PlayStations there’s no reason that charades shouldn’t be brutally killed off too.

Christmas dinner

We have so much delicious food available to us nowadays and yet we still insist on making an excited fuss about sitting down to a slightly fancy Sunday dinner at Christmas. Why not eat a Sri Lankan curry or sushi or a massive pizza? Because it’s tradition to force down dry turkey slathered in Bisto. Get rid of it. Pigs in blankets can stay though.

The Queen’s Speech

At the age of 95, the Queen should have earned the right to spend Christmas like other elderly people – drinking gin, being deaf and complaining that comedy isn’t as funny as it was in 1957. Let’s not allow Charles to start doing it though. No one wants a lecture on the importance of organic farming techniques when they could be watching Mary Poppins Returns.


We see our families all year round, do we have to see them at Christmas too? The kids can be let out to run feral around the empty streets and everyone else can go and hang out with people they actually enjoy spending time with, rather than their spouses. That would be a truly joyful end to the year.

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Man convinced he was going to get laid on New Year's Eve in bed by 11pm

A MAN sure his New Year’s Eve would end in the throes of passionate sex found himself home alone in bed without making it to midnight.

Nathan Muir went out equipped with condoms and a liberal spray of Burberry Brit, certain he’d have his pick of women to seduce at midnight, but ended up settling for a drunken wank before passing out at 11pm.

Muir said: “I thought Wetherspoons would be a hotbed of gorgeous ladies but I counted exactly five women in the whole pub, three of which were working behind the bar and the other two were already snogging blokes.

“I tried it on with the bar staff anyway, but they were weirdly disinterested in me, despite the fact that I impressively downed five shots of black sambuca in a row.

“I was sick on my trainers soon after and had to be put in a taxi by security. The driver let me stop off for a chicken doner so I suppose the evening wasn’t a total bust.”

Friend Jack Browne said: “You’d think even a sexist pisshead like Nathan could pull on New Year’s Eve, but I guess it just goes to show how much of a bellend he is.”