Folding cycle attempted to overtake normal bike

THE owner of a folding bicycle has narrowly survived after attempting to overtake a cyclist with normal-sized wheels.

London commuter Julian Cook was pedalling like fuck to make his circus clown-type bicycle go faster when his heart and lungs reached maximum capacity.

Cook said: “Pushing through the pain barrier, I managed to get parallel with the normal bike before realising he had only slowed down to adjust his jacket. He smirked at me then sped off.”

Left travelling at a lethal speed for a folding bicycle, Cook managed to veer off into puddle before being sick.   

He added: “I was in so much shock I ended up walking to work with the Brompton folded up in my briefcase. I’ll ride again, but now I’ll always remember my place.

“Sometimes I forget that I have tiny wheels no bigger than a pair of hoop earrings.

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Woman who ‘can’t help putting on weight’ is free energy machine

A WOMAN who claims to put on weight no matter how little she eats could solve the world’s energy crisis, it has emerged.

Donna Sheridan claims to consume less calories than she expends while still gaining weight, which means she is breaking the laws of physics.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Donna is clearly generating energy from nothing. There’s no other explanation for her getting bigger despite sticking rigidly to whatever silly diet she’s on this month.

“If we can replicate this ability on a larger scale we can theoretically generate an infinite amount of energy from Ryvitas, celery and low-fat Philadelphia.

“Mankind will finally be able to stop destroying our planet and fighting wars over energy resources. Interstellar travel may even become possible, all thanks to Donna’s failed attempts to get down to a size 14.”

Teaching assistant Sheridan is adamant that her metabolism – which is different to that of everyone else on earth – meant weight gain was inevitable, even with a complete ban on biscuits.

She said: “Some people put on weight no matter what, and it’s nothing to do with having a strange definition of ‘diet’ that includes constantly grazing on M&Ms and putting slightly less mayo on your kebab.”