Football in park scaring the shit out of everyone

A FOOTBALL being boisterously kicked around a crowded park is causing everyone to flinch in terror, it has emerged.

The ball, which is being haphazardly hoofed between a group of half a dozen young people, has changed the park from a pleasant public space into an anxiety-inducing lawn of despair.

Picnic goer Emma Bradford said: “This was supposed to be a relaxing day out. But with every thunderous punt I’m bracing myself for a ball to rocket into my potato salad. Kind of takes the fun out of everything.

“The lack of control makes everything worse. That ball’s just as likely to be passed around as it is to carom off the back of someone’s head and into my face. At which point I’ll be expected to cheerfully return it while attending to a nosebleed.”

Sunbather Eleanor Shaw said: “They’re not even playing a proper game with it. They’re just sending it as high into the air as they can over and over. Hopefully they’ll get bored soon and f**k off, although it’s been two hours already and they’re not looking tired.”

Ball owner Joshua Hudson said: “I like shouting ‘heads’ every now and then and watching everyone cower.”

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Hungover 42-year-old can't believe how little she drank last night

A WOMAN in her early forties with a raging hangover is mortified by the pitiful amount of alcohol that brought it on.

Shuddering, queasy mess Emma Howard quickly tallied what she drank yesterday evening and concluded that back in the day it would not have counted as pre-drinks. 

She said: “Three glasses of house white in the sunshine. Not massive glasses. But I don’t remember going to bed and I was scrabbling for paracetamol in the bathroom at 5am, trying very hard not to puke. 

“When did I become such a lightweight? Four and a half units, maybe six? That’s what I’d knock back to sober up. The ravages of time are cruel indeed.

“I had a meal last night and everything but that doesn’t seem to have softened the blow. Is this me done with drinking for good, or should I go on a bender to build up my tolerance? Even though thinking about it makes me retch?

“No, that’s me in managed decline now. Before long a single gin and tonic will be enough to write me off for the next day. Better to bow out of drinking before I’m not even able to humiliate myself any longer.