Support Manchester City tonight as patriots, Abu Dhabi fans told

FOOTBALL fans in the United Arab Emirates have been told to put their club affiliations aside and back Manchester City to bring it home for Sheikh Mansour tonight.

The pride of the Emirates take on Inter Milan in tonight’s Champions League final with the whole Gulf state willing City to make them proud.

Fan Eida Al Hamed said: “Normally the only club side I cheer on is Al Wahda, but tonight I’ll make an exception.

“We’ll all be gathered around the illegal streams, dressed in robes, sipping strong coffee, backing our home team. At least the noisy neighbours were out of it early! Bloody Qatar.

“I honestly think it’s sad clinging to little tribal rivalries at a time like this. If United fans in Hertfordshire and Liverpool fans in Cardiff can put aside their differences for European cups, so can we.

“People don’t understand how badly the UAE needs this win. Our human rights record is an absolute shambles, there’s rampant homophobia, so this could really turn Western perceptions around for us.

“Come on City! Do it for us! Do it for Abu Dhabi!”

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Boris now only 18 inches tall

CONCERNED friends of Boris Johnson have confirmed that while he remains defiant about parliament’s witch hunt, he is now only one-and-a-half feet tall. 

The former prime minister’s statement, while a stirring rallying cry to Brexit loyalists, got rather squeaky towards the end as his now child-sized vocal cords outlined his high-pitched betrayal.

Johnson’s friend and hairdresser, now an OBE, said: “He lost about a foot when he left Downing Street last year, but we were able to disguise it with built-up shoes and clever angles.

“That’s going to be harder to do now he’s around the height of a newborn, bowling around everyone’s ankles chirping about his inevitable glorious comeback.

“We’ve all reassured him of what a marvellous statement it was, and so clever never mentioning parties once, but it’s hard to tell a tiny, tiny homunculus that he’ll soon return triumphant like Churchill without laughing.

“He keeps appearing from nowhere at your shoulder, piping ‘And just wait until the Covid inquiry sees my evidence Rishi, your goose is cooked!’ like a f**king Tellytubby.

“Nadine Dorries towers over him now. She cradles him like a little doll.”