Four in five couples desperate to break up with other couple

FOUR in five couples would like to end their co-dependent relationship with another couple, it has emerged.

According to new research, 42 per cent of couples do not like the man in the ‘best friend’ other couple, 62 per cent the woman and 100 per cent hated what their partners became when around them.

Tom Booker of Cwmbran said: “I don’t even remember when we met Marie and Pete. All I know is they’ve always been there.

“Every film is already booked with them, every bank holiday we have plans, you can’t get shitfaced in front of the telly on a Friday without them ‘being in the area’.

“Sometimes I have to go out just with Pete, the two of us. We spend the entire time searching for anything to say, resenting our wives’ friendship for trapping us like this.

“But then my wife insists he was my friend first.”

Pete Foster said: “Always, after an another abominable evening, there’s a moment where we all silently contemplate just letting the mess end here.

“But then someone says ‘Lovely evening, what are you doing Thursday?’ and the carousel of awkward suffering whirls on.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

North Yorkshire to be burned for fuel

NORTH Yorkshire is to be set on fire so the rest of the UK can have a hot bath.

Permission to torch over 3,000 square miles of land was granted after an enquiry concluded that burning the county to a cinder would have little environmental impact.

A government spokesman said: “We’re going to have several massive cauldrons right in the middle of it, with locals carrying buckets of lovely warm water to whoever needs it.

“We have listened to a wide range of scientific opinion but it was full of big long words and not as easy to understand as money.

“Of course people will lose their homes, but the fire will also destroy schools, libraries and old people’s homes, sparing us the expense of closing them.

“Some locals describe this decision as undemocratic, but after the inferno there won’t be many of them left to vote so we are not too bothered about that.”

This landmark decision paves the way to setting fire to Lincolnshire in the autumn, a move energy consultants say will heat the rest of Britain until after Christmas.