Four selfish, hurtful cats that won't let you pet them

THESE cats live on your street and aren’t busy, so it’s an absolute joke that they’re not into you giving them a little scratch. Ranked in order of selfishness:


Thomas is the big fat black cat on your street, often a bit dusty, and you just know he’d love being tickled all over. And yet he couldn’t be less interested. No matter how much you stick out your hand and go pspspsps. How does he think that makes you feel? Arsehole.


Alice is a gorgeous white and grey pedigree lady, with long fur. You bet it would be really soft to touch, probably. But she won’t let you. Even though she comes running when she sees you, then gets close and it’s like she suddenly realises it’s you and immediately changes her mind. Meanie.

Mr Fuzzypants

This one is a ginger scrapper. He’s only got one ear, and you know he’s been in a lot of fights because you hear the screaming every night from your bedroom. You know he’d like some love, which is why it’s so painful that he hisses at you when you walk past. Frigid, probably.


Daisy is an elderly, arthritic cat who limps around, looking like she needs a big kiss on the top of her head. This one is the most upsetting because she’s on your route back from Sainsbury’s, so you often drop your shopping on the floor in excitement to show her some love, but as soon as you get close she’s back into the bushes again. Playing hard-to-get twat.

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'Run schools from pubs?' suggest teachers

TEACHERS have announced that they would be willing to relocate schools to pubs as a compromise to keep both open. 

As scientists warned that curbing coronavirus might mean closing pubs so schools can operate normally, educators have volunteered to teach classes from behind the bar.

Primary teacher Lauren Hewitt said: “The wellbeing of children is at the forefront of everything I do as a teacher, and drinking heavily is at the heart of everything I do out of school.

“It’s a visionary solution. There are blackboards at both, beer gardens can double as playgrounds, dividing up a bill between six is a maths exercise, and the kids can go on Tripadvisor to review the pub for their creative writing.

“It’s real world learning like we’ve never been able to implement before. Plus me and the other teachers can sneak a few cheeky shots at break.”

Headteacher Susan Traherne said: “The long term effects of children being off-school are almost as concerning as those for adults not being able to have drinks poured for them while they eat Scampi Fries.

“By combining schools and pubs we reduce the risk. It’s another example of key workers going above and beyond to help local communities stay healthy, happy and a little bit pissed.”