Friday booked off by devious little shits

PEOPLE who booked Friday off work are cackling like maniacs at the success of their scheme.

The devious, probably evil individuals submitted holiday forms months ago with the seemingly innocuous request of ‘the last Friday in April’ before anyone else had even thought of it.

Office administrator Jane Thomson said: “I don’t think my line manager even realised that Monday was a bank holiday.

“She was like, ‘doing something nice?’ I said I just wanted to clear out my garage and maybe take some stuff to the tip.

“Now I have four whole days stretching out in front of me. I could pretty much go to India if I wanted, or have a rites-of-passage summer adventure like in a Stephen King book.

“All those poor saps are toiling away. I am so much better than them.”

Thomson’s colleague Stephen Malley said: “We can’t help feeling betrayed on some level. She’s obviously not a person you can trust.

“In fact I hope she dies over the weekend.”

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Teenagers reassured that exam results count less than social class

EXAM results are less important than social factors beyond your control, teenagers have been reassured.

Following a slight dip in GCSE grades, researchers at the Institute for Studies said kids needn’t worry because their futures will be mostly decided for them.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Not getting the results you want can seem like the end of the world.

“But don’t worry, there are lots of other things that will determine the pattern of your life, most of which you can do absolutely nothing about.

“For example, if your parents are wealthy or of high social status, they’ll be able to pull some strings at a top college or university even if you’ve fucked up a bit.

“Or they might just give you a load of money so you never have to really do anything, except maybe launch a half-hearted pop career.

“On the other side of the coin, if you are poor and bright you will always struggle to compete and might decide to give up.

“Look at those goombahs running the country. Do you think that is the product of an egalitarian society?

“So there’s no need to stress about missing the grade you wanted in Maths because as you age you’ll discover that everything is basically corrupt.

“Also no fully-grown adult even remembers what GCSEs they got.”

16-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I feel much better now.”