Fox hunters, and other groups that oddly hate Boris Johnson now

SINCE darts fans, of all people, have declared themselves Boris Johnson-haters, here are some other unlikely groups with a sudden antipathy toward the PM. 

The fox murdering community

Nathan Muir, master of the Pytchley Hunt: “Johnson disgusts me. To think that back in April 2020 we were conducting our illegal hunt without a traditional toast and maintaining social distancing between horses.

“We were not even allowed to blow our horns in case they spread the virus. But Johnson and his cronies were laughing it up and quaffing on his patio. It’s a disgrace.”

The Bullingdon Club

Denys Finch Hatton, club secretary: “Back in 2020 we’d have loved nothing more than enjoying our traditional conviviality, hurling bread rolls at waiters, initiating new members by urinating into the soup cauldron and making them down a ladleful, or bruleeing our own farts while chanting Rugby songs. 

“Instead, we were forced to close up shop while our ex-member was living it up on wine and cheese. The high-handed, arrogant behaviour of the elite sickens us.”

The cabinet

Cabinet secretary Norman Steele: “I would describe the mood at cabinet as less than deferential. Not just the chants of ‘Stand up if you hate Boris’ that greet him the moment he enters the room but also several high-profile ministers joining forces to debag him and force him to sit in the corridor wearing a dunce’s hat. 

“They’re appalled that they were unable to have drinks with him on the patio and were instead forced to look on from their windows, taking photos out of a sense of public duty.”

Johnson’s family

Johnson’s sister Rachel: “It’s fair to say that Alex can expect a rough ride this Christmas. In our robustly humorous Johnson family way we’ve put an artificial snowman in the front garden with a wooden sign reading ‘BORIS IS A SHIT’. 

“And just jolly well wait and see his face when he unwraps his present from all of us. It’s a giant sack of manure, to which we all chipped in. It seems strange because we used to think he was a great bloke until a fortnight ago, but you have to bear in mind that we’re all bastards too.”

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12 ways to be a dickhead on Facebook this Christmas

FACEBOOK can be irritating at the best of times, but Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people who are already dicks. Such as:

1. The Christmas countdown

There is always some overexcited idiot who takes it upon themselves to be everyone’s human advent calendar. FIVE more days to go! FOUR more days… Even worse is when they say how many ‘sleeps’ we have until the big day.

2. The ‘Look at my Christmas tree’ posts

Remember in the days before social media when you took a photo of your Christmas tree and then you’d have to run and show all your family, friends, colleagues and random people you met in the pub once? Oh. Wait. WE DIDN’T DO THAT BECAUSE NOBODY GIVES A SHIT.

3. Hilarious ‘Elf yourself’ posts 

What could be funnier than seeing your Aunty Jo’s head bobbing around in an elf costume? Anything. Literally anything.

4. The festive food pictures

It’s not the actual photographs that are so annoying, it’s the accompanying captions. ‘Homemade mince pies… nom, nom’ or ‘Yummy homemade Christmas cake. Don’t mind if I do!!!’ No grown-up person talks like this before eating in real life.

5. The over-the-top public ‘thank you’ post

‘Thank you to my wonderful [tagged partner] for this MASSIVE DIAMOND RING. I am such a lucky lady!’ What’s wrong with just SAYING thank you? You know, with your mouth? Oh that’s right – to be a massive f**king show off.

6. The ‘Look how popular I am’ picture

‘Having an amazing night with (tag 60 drunk friends in obligatory cocktail-drinking picture)’. If you’re having such a great night then why are you dicking around on Facebook?

7. The literal Christmas updates

‘Feeling festive while wrapping Christmas presents!’ or ‘Off to buy mince pies’. Or even ‘I’ve finished my Christmas cards’. Your own mother wouldn’t give a toss about this low-grade information, let alone everyone on Facebook.

8. The ‘prove your love’ posts

‘IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME PROVE IT BY CUTTING AND PASTING THIS POST.’ These posts are popular on Facebook all year round but at Christmas they seem to take over our news feeds. Embarrassingly desperate.

9. Look what I am doing for charity

Today I donated three coats and eight packs of baked beans to the homeless and so I am posting about it on Facebook otherwise the whole thing was pointless.

10. Posts that say ‘Pick your birth month and your favourite colour and your mum’s bra size to find your Christmas elf name’

The worst thing is these memes are shared by thousands. Seriously? Who are these people? What did they do before the internet? Stare at the carpet for hours to fill their empty time?

11. Sickening, cliched emotion

‘Surrounded by all the people I love, I feel so blessed…’ blah blah blah. Hate to be a grumpy old Christmas grinch, but f**k off.

12. The ‘bah humbug’ posts

Where people moan about how annoying Facebook is at Christmas. They sometimes even write entire lists then post them. On Facebook. At Christmas. Idiots.