Free turnips to quell 'plebs' row

DAVID Cameron is offering a ‘lovely turnip’ to every non-land owning home to counter accusations of Tory elitism.

The root vegetable offering follows lingering disgruntlement over allegations chief whip Andrew Mitchell called a policeman a ‘pleb’.

Cameron said: “This perception of Conservatives as cocksure ‘Lord Snooty’ caricatures to whom the general populace are a seething mass of barely-literate, hessian-clad imbeciles is a tired, baseless piece of reverse snobbery.

“And to prove our empathy and generosity towards the masses, every non-land owning household is to get a free, juicy turnip.

“That’s right. A whole turnip, yours to do with as you please. Roast it, make it into flavourless soup, or simply eat it raw.

“Don’t fight over it though. Then we’d have to get the police out, assuming they still obey us.”

Tory backbencher Denys Finch Hatton denied that the word pleb was derogatory. He said: “Even had Andrew said that, it’s one of those words that’s been reclaimed.

“At Westminster we use the p-word all thing the time, whenever I see George Osborne I’ll go, ‘What’s up, my pleb?’ and he’ll reply ‘Oooo arrr’.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “When a man on a cart threw a turnip through my living room window I was quite shocked. Who do they think they are?

“But, still – free turnip.”



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So what really happened at the climax of Parade's End?

BRITAIN is buzzing with theories about how Sherlock Holmes appeared to be dancing at the climax of Parade’s End.

The gripping storyline ended with Holmes seemingly surviving the First World War trenches only for him to reappear moments later with a woman in front of a fireplace.

Tom Logan, an avid man from Finsbury Park, said: “Sherlock had gone undercover as a jerry and carefully inserted a blank bullet into a machine gun.

“He then burrowed his way back under no-man’s land and counted the number of shots before he got out of the trench.

“Therefore he was able to pretend to be killed and get on a train to London while Watson was distracted by a witty remark made by a feisty suffragette.”

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, added: “He would have been hiding behind a tree, but it had already been chopped down by that bitch Sylvia.

“And he wasn’t really dancing with Valentine. He was dancing with a bin lorry.”