Friend always there with shit advice

A WOMAN is always available to listen to her friends’ problems and give them spectacularly shit advice.

Office worker Nikki Hollis believes she is playing a vital social role despite basing her ‘help’ on soap operas, pop psychology articles or just saying whatever enters her head.

Hollis said: “When Emma thought her boyfriend was cheating on her and I told her to throw all his stuff in the street. It turned out he wasn’t, but it showed Emma was a strong woman who won’t be messed around.

“Sadly they split up because he thought she was insane, but who wants to go out with someone who doesn’t respect you?

“My friend Pete wasn’t sure what degree to do, so I said film studies, obviously, because look at how much directors like Michael Bay get. He’s working in Next now, but when he gets his first blockbuster he’ll be loaded compared to if he’d done that science degree at Cambridge.”

Friend Tom Logan said: “Nikki helped me a lot when I was having girlfriend problems. Having a ‘cooling off’ period was really sensible, so it’s just bad luck my girlfriend met someone else during it.

“She also helped our friend Paul accept he’s gay. He’s still in denial, but Nikki says he’s just got to keep practising.”

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Cat desperately searching for penis

A CAT has not seen his penis for three weeks, it has emerged.

Long-haired black and white cat Tom Logan’s tiny, strange reproductive organ appeared briefly at the end of last month, before retreating back into his thick coat.

Despite extensive grooming, Logan has since been unable to locate his penis.

Logan said: “I know it’s in there somewhere, or at least I pray it is.

“I’ve spent days licking the exact spot where it last appeared and no joy. Maybe a witch has put a curse on me or something?

“This is a nightmare. I just want to know I am still male.”

Chaffinch Wayne Hayes said: “This is one time when I can empathise with a cat.

“Having a penis that is invisible most of the time really weighs on your mind.”