Well done Britain and this won’t affect any future wars, says China

CHINA has laughed off Britain’s superior Olympics medal haul with some good-humoured jokes about future global conflicts.

As Britain continues to beat China at sport, the communist state responded with some typically laid-back banter about remembering one’s friends if there is ever a massive war over the planet’s increasingly scarce resources.

A China spokesman said: “Well done Team GB. For us it’s all about taking part rather than winning, so we’re cool.

“We are not by our nature a competitive people. In the glorious motherland we are more about fun and chilling out, rather than the relentless obsessive practise of athletics from infancy.

“There’s no way this might affect things when we’re drawing up a list of allies in a possible World War III, which incidentally we would probably win.

“Or maybe it will because we are humiliated and angry! Ha ha ha good joke, not really.

“Anyway I understand you guys are very popular in mainland Europe so they would definitely protect you. Good luck in the Women’s Boxing semi-finals against us today!”

Prime minster Theresa May said: “Great work Team GB! Maybe now though it’s time to throw a couple. Just one or two of the boring ones like rifle shooting.”


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Retired couple go on coach journey for fun

A RETIRED couple spent three days on a coach because that is their twisted idea of fun.

75-year-old Donna Sheridan described the trip around the Lake District in glowing terms despite it mostly consisting of sitting on a coach.

Sheridan said: “We met another couple called Ron and Pauline. He’s deaf in one ear and she kept talking about her irritable bowel syndrome. We’re friends now.

“We went to a hat museum. You wouldn’t believe how much effort goes into making a hat!”

Her husband Peter said: “We had a very good ploughman’s at a pub. Nearly as good as in the pub near our house that you can walk to.

“That night we stayed in a hotel and they had a Michael Buble tribute singer. We had a few drinks so the next day we were on a coach for 18 hours with hangovers.

“I still enjoyed the scenery though.”

His daughter Donna said: “I would genuinely rather have an operation on my eyeballs than go on a coach for three days.

“All I can conclude is that when people of a certain age get on a coach everything turns into a magical mystery tour. Maybe they do actually put LSD in the air conditioning.”