Friend only offering to do favour to complain about it later

A MAN has offered to help his friend move house so he can hold it against him forever, he has confirmed. 

Tom Logan volunteered for an ardous day’s lifting knowing that he would reap his reward in whinging about it for the next six years.

He said: “Oh, Nate is going to hear about this. Every time I see those records on his shelf I’ll remind him who put them there.

“It’s given me a bad back, I’ve missed crucial World Cup group games I wasn’t actually planning to watch, and he doesn’t even need all this shit anyway. Which I’ve told him, and will subsequently be telling everyone else.

“The worst part is he’ll never return the favour because even if he offered to I wouldn’t let him. The bastard.”

Friend Nathan Muir said: “I know that Tom didn’t really want to help out, but I also know that complaining is his absolute favourite thing.

“This is my little gift to him to replace the time he picked me up from the airport in 2010. I’m confident he’ll get the most from it.”

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Wetherspoons' beer shortage could be followed by Wetherspoons' inedible food shortage

PUB chain Wetherspoons has admitted that their beer shortage could be followed by a shortage of food only palatable to drunks. 

The landlord, which has warned that a shortage of carbon dioxide could see pumps dry during the World Cup, has added that a nationwide roadkill shortage could force them to cancel the regular Thursday Curry Club.

A spokesman said: “What can I say? It’s hardly our fault that there haven’t been enough sick animals whose carcasses are sold for cost this year.

“Wednesday’s Chicken Club is also under threat because we haven’t been able to source birds rubbery enough. They just haven’t got that bounce.

“And the reduction in immigration numbers means we’re looking for British staff to operate the microwave and I’m afraid they’re simply not skilled enough.

“Our apologies. However, we are still doing a roaring trade in drug users coming in to use our toilets, so we’re far from completely useless.”

Chairman Tim Martin has promised that there will be a surfeit of dangerous and uneatable meat as soon as the UK drops all food standards after Brexit.