Friends have no idea how to comfort woman who doesn't drink

FRIENDS of a woman going through a personal crisis have no idea how to help her without using alcohol.

Emma Bradford’s friends said they would be forced to use cliches and platitudes but without wine, tequila, vodka or cider they would sound particularly hollow, pointless and stupid.

Long-time friend friend Sarah Thomas said: “It’s a bit like a crying baby that won’t take its bottle. What else are you supposed to do? Make tea? Is that a thing people do? And if so, why?”

Emma’s workmate Chloe Wright, added: “She keeps saying she wants to talk about her feelings but that sounds dull and I would very much like to get pissed.

“But I suppose I really should help Emma cope with this emotional pain. So how would one do that without alcohol?”

Sarah Thomas said: “I’ve heard that heroin can create a sort off woozy feeling where time slows down and nothing seems to matter anymore.

“We don’t want to hoodwink our friend into taking some heroin, but we also don’t want to be bored. It’s a tricky one.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Limited edition' products guaranteed to attract twats

ANYTHING ‘limited edition’, whether a sports car or a Snickers, attracts the high-spending twat demographic like moths to a flame, marketers have confirmed.

The label, which in theory could be applied to any product whatsoever, lost any actual significance decades ago but continues as a highly effective marketing tool for irredeemable bell-ends.

Marketing scientist Carolyn Ryan said: “What manufacturers of limited edition products do is add a touch of complete bollocks to anything which is otherwise mass-produced.

“Snakeskin, sparkly crystals, platinum, a small transfer of Mario; whatever it takes to makes it desirable in the eyes of real dicks.

“Then we put them on the market, make them especially expensive and hard to get, and it triggers a kind of knobhead frenzy as they all fight to get something other people haven’t got, no matter how shit it is.

“It doesn’t matter what the actual product is. You could make a limited edition Gucci Star Wars shit shovel and they’d be queuing up outside the shop from 6am to buy one then flip it on eBay.”

Ryan added: “Unfortunately you can’t limit the edition of the twats buying this stuff. Sadly they will breed.”