Friends have no idea how to comfort woman who doesn’t drink

FRIENDS of a woman going through a personal crisis have no idea how to help her without using alcohol.

Emma Bradford’s friends said they would be forced to use cliches and platitudes but without wine, tequila, vodka or cider they would sound particularly hollow, pointless and stupid.

Long-time friend friend Sarah Thomas said: “It’s a bit like a crying baby that won’t take its bottle. What else are you supposed to do? Make tea? Is that a thing people do? And if so, why?”

Emma’s workmate Chloe Wright, added: “She keeps saying she wants to talk about her feelings but that sounds dull and I would very much like to get pissed.

“But I suppose I really should help Emma cope with this emotional pain. So how would one do that without alcohol?”

Sarah Thomas said: “I’ve heard that heroin can create a sort off woozy feeling where time slows down and nothing seems to matter anymore.

“We don’t want to hoodwink our friend into taking some heroin, but we also don’t want to be bored. It’s a tricky one.”