THE fuel crisis is now only affecting motorists in London and south-east England or as the rest of Britain terms them ‘twats’, retailers have confirmed.
With petrol stations in Scotland, Wales, the North and even the Midlands now fully stocked the only people left struggling for fuel are exactly the kind of arseholes who chase tankers down motorways and queue to top up their tanks who caused all this.
Nathan Muir of Mansfield said: “Panic over, everyone. It’s just the dickheads again.
“Of course it’ll still be all over the news because the media’s concentrated in exactly the areas where all the twats and all the fuel shortages are. Not by coincidence.
“But for the rest of the country, who largely aren’t selfish, grasping bastards who set the alarm for 5am so they could beat all their like-minded neighbours to the petrol station, this is all over and we can watch them battle it out for unleaded with our usual pity and loathing.
“Northern Ireland, of course, never had shortages because of the protocol that means it’s still in the EU. I believe the Tory twats of south-east England are planning to do something about that this very week.”
Julian Cook of Hythe said: “If only I and my fellow petty, spiteful neighbours could restrain ourselves this could all be over. But we’re such wankers it’s impossible.”