Fuel crisis now only affecting southern twats

THE fuel crisis is now only affecting motorists in London and south-east England or as the rest of Britain terms them ‘twats’, retailers have confirmed. 

With petrol stations in Scotland, Wales, the North and even the Midlands now fully stocked the only people left struggling for fuel are exactly the kind of arseholes who chase tankers down motorways and queue to top up their tanks who caused all this. 

Nathan Muir of Mansfield said: “Panic over, everyone. It’s just the dickheads again. 

“Of course it’ll still be all over the news because the media’s concentrated in exactly the areas where all the twats and all the fuel shortages are. Not by coincidence. 

“But for the rest of the country, who largely aren’t selfish, grasping bastards who set the alarm for 5am so they could beat all their like-minded neighbours to the petrol station, this is all over and we can watch them battle it out for unleaded with our usual pity and loathing. 

“Northern Ireland, of course, never had shortages because of the protocol that means it’s still in the EU. I believe the Tory twats of south-east England are planning to do something about that this very week.” 

Julian Cook of Hythe said: “If only I and my fellow petty, spiteful neighbours could restrain ourselves this could all be over. But we’re such wankers it’s impossible.” 

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What your girlfriend and her mates are saying about you on the group chat

THINK your relationship with your girlfriend is private? Guess again. Here’s how every detail is being discussed on the group chat:

GIRLFRIEND: OK so I finally met his mother and that explains A. LOT. [three see no evil emoji]
HER FRIEND: did he inherit his weird bendy dick from her? lol [crying with laughter emoji]
G: no but the way he follows me around talking to me about boring shit nobody wants to hear about even when I’m trying to take a dump
HER HOT FRIEND: does he still take his t-shirt off to have a shit?
G: yeah but anyway do you know how hard it is to watch porn on my phone when he’s outside the door arsing on about thundercats the reboot or whatever?
HF: porn? aren’t you getting any [series of random yet apparently sexual emoji]
HHF: you can tell hes limp dick from his insta [pinching hand emoji]
G: he still manages it but so unimaginative. like I’m not asking for wild abandon but the same stuff in the same order every time? like it’s a timed Olympic event
HF: disappointing scores from the judges on the 3 mins obligatory oral there
G: he gets tired after 2m 43s. I’ve timed it
HHF: i still havent recovered from those pictures of his hairy back
HHF: like an angels wings but of hair
G: this is why I prefer being on top, i pretend i’m not shagging bigfoot
HHF: nothin big about that chode
G: aw he’s sweet really. he’s nice to me. okay so he’s not all that in bed, or to look at. And I feel like I’m settling
HF: and he doesn’t earn anything and hes boring as shit lol
G: your long term committed partner thinks you dont know about his porn stash or that he paid £600 for a pokemon card
HF: good point. okay when are we next out? is crooked cock coming?
HHF: he always does, too early [water droplets eomji, woman facepalming emoji]
G: next weekend? i forget neither of you have met him. we’ll see you then
YOUR MUM: I don’t think I’m meant to be in this chat. How do I leave?