Gambler has sick, empty feeling about next horse

A COMPULSIVE gambler has placed his next bet according to the churning sense of impending doom in his stomach. 

Tom Booker of Coventry says that all the signs are there that Koba Pearl is the horse to continue his decade-long losing streak.

He continued: “When you’ve been betting on the gee-gees as long as I have you learn to trust your gut, and this feeling of rising despair is absolutely unmistakeable.

“It’s telling me that despite the odds, despite the form, despite all the pundits who are calling him to place I’ve put the rent money on a sure-fire loser.

“This is going to be the one that puts me out on the streets. I just know it is.”

Bookmaker Bill McKay said: “Horses, dogs, football – old Tom’s got a sixth sense for a loser that rarely lets him down.

“Occasionally there’s a flukey win, but if everything else lets him down there’s always the fixed-odds betting machine. That never pays out.”

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Fate apologises for letting Bono live

FATE has apologised for sleeping on the job and allowing Bono to emerge unscathed from an air accident.

Always with you, never without you

The impersonal force that predetermines events has admitted that the incident in which an aircraft’s rear hatch flew off in mid-air was slated to be the U2 singer’s end, but that it was napping at the time.

Fate said: “Believe me, I know how frustrated everyone feels.

“You have no idea how hard I’ve been trying these last 35 years, but the man seems unkillable.

“He’s too short for snipers, he’s too pious for a drug overdose, and he should have been crushed under the weight of his own ego years ago but somehow it only makes him stronger.

“Unpalatable as it seems, I’m afraid that someone up there appears to be looking after him.”

Following denials from the Almighty, Lucifer admitted having a hand in Bono’s miraculous survival, saying: “I know, I know, but I can’t bear taking him just yet.

“You thought he’d be going to the other place? But how could it be Hell without Bono?”