Garden successfully filled with random things

A COUPLE’S garden is full of random objects including a stone frog playing a guitar and some sort of archway, it has emerged.

Teacher Martin Bishop and his wife Sarah have spent years acquiring items of outdoor tat for reasons that neither of them can adequately explain.

Bishop said: “When you’ve got a garden you feel you should put weird stuff in it. For some reason I spent a day installing an archway on the garden path, but it doesn’t lead anywhere except a rockery containing some badly moulded plastic fairies that light up.

“It’s ironic because our house is quite tastefully decorated, yet the garden is full of junk, like a metal dragonfly.

“The strangest thing is the sense of achievement now we’ve put arbitrary objects everywhere, so maybe £24.95 for a concrete rabbit pushing a wheelbarrow wasn’t a rip-off after all.”

Sarah Bishop said: “I think they pump hallucinogens into the air at the garden centre. It’s the only explanation for us putting a large fountain depicting the Greek sea god Poseidon in our pond.

“Still, the swinging garden seat is great for sitting on while trying not to spill your drink. 

“And the wooden bees on sticks are fun. Or are they? I have no idea.”

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Moaning better than boasting

PEOPLE who moan are far less annoying than those who boast, it has been claimed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that although boasting is now socially acceptable, it is far more irritating and deceitful than an honest rant.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Somehow it’s fine to post photos of a luxury holiday with captions like ‘lovin’ the beach vibe’ or to tell relative strangers how much you earn in your shitty marketing job.

“But if you’re honest about your life being a sequence of petty frustrations and sexual failures, people find it ‘challenging’ or ‘negative’.

“It’s bullshit because people who boast are shallow idiots who disguise their vanity with a thin veneer of contentment and vague notions of universal love. Everyone knows that life is mostly shite.”

Assistant sales manager Emma Bradford said: “When I go to the pub now, my friends are either boasting or playing with their phones while they wait for their turn to brag. It’s like being with people on cocaine except that’s just normal behaviour now.

“Am I the only person who fucking hates their job and thinks modern pop festivals are bleak corporate cash cows?

“Sorry to moan. Actually fuck it, no I’m not.”