Jeremy Hunt weeps for ingrowing toenail sufferers

THE health secretary has wept for all the patients left to suffer ingrowing toenails by the selfishness of junior doctors. 

Jeremy Hunt, who only entered politics because he wanted to help the downtrodden, says he cannot hold back his tears at the thought of the squints that will not be corrected over the next 48 hours. 

He said: “Look at the warts on this woman’s chin, and tell me what those monsters are doing is just. 

“She’ll still have those warts on her wedding anniversary next month because of their naked greed. And her husband, he’ll still have his piles.

“This is why I became a Conservative MP,  to make a difference to the woman with varicose veins sick of wearing leggings but who only wants an operation on a Saturday or Sunday to fit in with her busy lifestyle. 

“I haven’t cried like this since News Corporation were forced to withdraw their takeover of BSkyB, once again punishing the little man.”

Hunt has promised he will not rest until all junior doctors are working in private healthcare and minor operations are available at patients’ convenience for fees of £500 upwards. 

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Know-all has to get ready meal box out of bin to read intructions

A KNOW-IT-ALL who thought a ready meal would be so simple he wouldn’t need instructions has had to fish the box out of the bin.

28-year-old Tom Booker bought a microwaveable shepherd’s pie on his way home from work and just assumed he would know how to cook it.

He said: “I took it out of the shopping bag and just ripped the box off and lobbed it in the bin. Then I thought, ‘How the hell do I actually cook this?’

“I would like to apologise to that ready meal box. I’m sorry I threw you away like that without even taking the time to read you.

“Yes I’m eating a ready meal for my dinner, so things are obviously not the best in my life at the moment, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

The ready meal box replied: “That’s fine mate. Just pierce the lid all over, cook for 5 minutes, stare. Cook for 2 more minutes and you should be good.”

Logan then repaid the box by making sure it went into the recycling so that it could maybe help someone else one day.