GCHQ codebreakers working on personalised number plates

CRYPTANALYSTS at Britain’s spy HQ are devoting most of their resources to cracking personalised number plates.

Spies have said they’re too busy to supply the FBI with British citizens’ private details because they’re trying to work out why an Audi’s number plate is 34 V7GA.

Codebreaker Eleanor Shaw said: “The grouping of the letters indicates that V7GA is intended to be a word, but what word could it be except vagina?

“And why would someone want to advertise having 34 vaginas?

“In other ciphers, numbers have a mathematical relationship to letters of the alphabet. But here, any number can represent any letter the driver of the car says it does, which makes codes impossible to break.”

Head of Cryptanalysis Joseph Turner said: “The codes range from the simple – JLE 435, where the driver is Julie and the numbers are irrelevant – to the bafflingly complex.

“How can we make sense of a registration like DJ51 8AG? Unless Simon Bagshaw from my school has become an internationally successful DJ, and according to the listening devices I placed in his home he hasn’t.

“They must be trying to communicate something, and it might related to terrorism. So we’ve arranged for every car with a personalised number plate to be remotely detonated this Friday.”

Number plate analysis is currently occupying 75 per cent of GCHQ’s resources, with the remaining operatives creating Sudoku puzzles to keep the middle-classes too busy to think about revolution.

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E-cigarettes reclassified as adult dummies

ELECTRONIC cigarettes are to be classified as adult nipple substitutes.

EU experts ruled that the metal cylinders are less about nicotine inhalation than having something to obsessively suck on.

E-cigarette user Stephen Malley said: “Unlike normal fags, e-cigs don’t burn away so there’s no incentive to ever take yours out of your mouth.

“It’s definitely re-awakened my infantile urge for an oral comforter.

“Even when it’s out of charge, I suck it and suck it and suck it.

“I call my e-cigarette ‘metal mummy’.

“Last week my wife hid it and I burst into tears, rolling around the floor in hysterics until I put my foot through the telly.

An EU spokesman said: “According to our consultants, e-cigarettes are more creepy than dangerous.

“They warned that any action to ban them could result in mass tantrums and workplace thumb-sucking.”

Office manager Tom Logan said: “Sometimes I feel that e-cigarettes have started me on a journey of childhood regression.

“Now I can’t go to the toilet without an adult, am fascinated by bright colours and whenever I see a cat I have to clumsily stroke it until it scratches me.

“But in their defence, e-fags are great for people just getting into smoking, who aren’t quite ready to make the step up to real cigarettes.”