GCSE Maths questions for our modern f**ked-up world

MATHS GCSE questions are being updated to make them more relevant to our modern world of electric scooters and videogame streaming. Can you answer them?

1) Meghan Markle leaves her house at 8.47am to walk 1.2 miles as a fancy Hollywood form of exercise. Her average speed is 3.7 miles per hour. How many pages will the Daily Mail devote to her the following day?

2) Your close friend, who happens to be a Cabinet minister, awards you a bid-free contract to supply £1.75m worth of PPE for 18 hospitals within 31 days. What is the maximum percentage profit you can make out of the deal without attracting negative press?

3) A BMW driver travels from Penrith to Wakefield, a distance of 114 miles, starting at 10.11am and finishing at 12.26pm. How many times will he use his indicators?

4) A UK manufacturing business produces 12,000 widgets per month, exporting 60 per cent to the EU. Each widget costs 0.73p to produce and sells for 1.1p. With shipping costs increasing by 42.5 per cent because of Brexit, how long before the company has to make redundancies?

5) An NHS nurse works an average of 3.78 hours overtime each shift during a pandemic, for an average salary that is 27.2 per cent that of a backbench MP. What percentage pay rise will the nurse receive from the Government?

6) Marks & Spencer sells 17,987 individual items. Today, 153 of those are Percy Pig-branded items. Three years ago, Marks & Spencer only sold one Percy Pig-branded item. Given a continued rate of expansion, how many months before every single item sold by Marks & Spencer is a Percy Pig-branded item?

7) A couple have a sign in their kitchen that says ‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain’. What is the probability, expressed in terms of a percentage, that they use the phrase ‘gin o’clock’ in casual conversation?

ANSWERS

1) Eight pages
2) 100 per cent profit by not supplying any PPE and getting a D-notice on the press
3) None
4) The company has already filed for bankruptcy
5) A real-terms cut of .5 per cent
6) 16-18 months
7) 100 per cent

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Planking and four other exercises you'll give up in a week

WANT to briefly kid yourself that you’re trying to get in shape? Here are five exercises you won’t be arsed with for more than a week:

Planking

Even though just changing into your running shorts makes you break a sweat, you somehow think this isometric core exercise will be a breeze. After nearly dying from a ten-second set, you’ll decide your abs are toned enough anyway then order a pizza to recover.

Crunches

This is pretty much just sitting up, right? How hard could it be? Very. A couple of crunches will send your heart rate through the roof, and further attempts will give you a hernia. You’re better off placing your glutes on the sofa and performing the six-hour channel-hopping exercise you’ve already mastered.

Three push-ups

Training montages in 80s movies have given you a false impression of how difficult push-ups really are. You’ll quickly find your limp, atrophied biceps will struggle to heave your bloated mass off the ground three times in a row, let alone the set of 20 you naively thought you’d be capable of as a beginner.

Thinking about pull-ups

You don’t even need any equipment to perform this exercise, simply type ‘pull-up bars’ into Amazon then scroll through the results while making thoughtful noises. Five minutes of performative consideration should do the trick before you decide your landlord would never let you drill a metal pole into their door frame anyway. Shame.

Watching workout videos on YouTube

Sitting through videos of toned twenty-somethings showing you how to pump iron is the most exhausting exercise of all, not least because your thumb gets really tired clicking through all of the ads. Warm down by eating a packet of Hob-Nobs and having a nap.