GCSE Science To Include Terrorism

THE GCSE science syllabus is to include ideological indoctrination and extremist violence, Ofsted has confirmed.

Pupils will have to blow themselves up in a field first, just to make sure it works

From next year pupils will be able to gain coursework credits by manufacturing a pipe bomb or calculating how much Western decadence is needed to provoke a glorious act of martyrdom.

Meanwhile a sample exam question asks pupils to write out the chemical formula for B&Q fertiliser and identify at least three major internal organs that will later be picked up by the fire brigade.

Tom Logan, a deputy headmaster from Stevenage, said: “They’re all aggressive little shits with persecution complexes, so we may as well work with it.

“And the intolerance level of the average 15 year-old makes a Baptist minister look like Stephen Fry hosting a dog orgy.

“Given that every school child is placed onto a register, is constantly monitored, has a burning resentment of authority and has a breathtaking disregard for their own personal safety, they’re basically one bulky rucksack away from a passing grade.”

Ofsted has also confirmed that RE lessons will no longer be sedate affairs taught by timid spinsters and will instead be conducted by screaming demagogues demanding pupils pay the ultimate sacrifice in order to achieve an A*.

But some comprehensives have complained that faith schools have an unfair advantage in producing brainwashed lunatics with an uquestioning hatred of difference.

Logan added: “How can we compete against priests armed with 2,000 years of insanity and a big, thick book?

“We spend most of our time trying to stop our lot getting each other pregnant or twatting themselves in the face with a ruler.”