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Gen X man progressive by 90s standards

A 53-YEAR-OLD man is considered progressive when compared to societal norms of the 1990s, it has emerged.

Tom Booker is a pioneer of progressive attitudes only when viewed in the context of an era that had just about come to terms with the idea that gay people exist and have sex with each other.

He said: “I’m what the media calls a New Man. I’m in touch with some of my emotions. Sometimes I don’t eat meat. I think men should help with the housework. Pretty radical, huh?

“But that doesn’t mean I’m completely soft. I still like ogling pictures of scantily clad women in magazines, only I do it in an ironic, self-aware manner. Which means it’s actually okay and not chauvinistic.

“I can’t keep up with all these weird modern notions though. Veganism? Gender fluidity? Self-identifying? All sounds a bit far-fetched to me. I just about tolerated David Beckham wearing a sarong but even that was pushing it.

“If anything, society could do with regressing to that sweet spot just after grunge but before lad culture. As a progressive straight white man the world was a perfect place for me, and I assume everyone else too.”

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Watch politicians lying right to your f**king face, and the other worst ways to begin a Sunday

SUNDAY mornings are the one time of the week you’re allowed to be lazy. Ruin this oasis of free time by following this dreary itinerary.

6am: Wake up

Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest, not the day of wearily opening your bleary eyes before sunrise. Wake up far too early, fail to go back to sleep and wonder what to do at this time. Listen to your partner snore while realising you’ve f**ked up your sleep pattern for the working week ahead? Fun.

7am: Deal with hangover

Once you’ve staggered out of bed to make a cup of tea it’s time for your body to catch up with all those pints you drank the night before. Strangely enough you haven’t metabolised them in the intervening five and a half hours of disturbed shut-eye and now you need to cower on the bathroom floor for a little bit.

8am: Go for a run

Stopped puking? Good. You should be ready for a brisk early morning jog/stagger around your local park. Don’t suffer in silence though, bring down everyone else’s Sunday morning by sharing your route on social media. There’s no point in trying to be healthy if you can’t be a smug twat about it in the process.

9am: Watch politicians lying right to your f**king face

Sunday wouldn’t be Sunday without blatantly biased political bullshit spewing out of your telescreen. Choose from Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg, where politicians are gently tossed easy questions and given a platform to lie to your face, or Politics London, where the even-handed BBC throws Labour under the bus while brown-nosing the Tories. You could turn over, but it’s good to stay abreast of societal collapse.

10am: Church

So far you’ve punished your body and your brain, now all that’s left is for your soul to be stamped on for an hour. Finish getting your Sunday morning off to a terrible start by listening to an interminable sermon, mumbling your way through dismal hymns, and learning how you’re condemned to an eternity of damnation. Don’t worry, you’ll be back to the misery of work before you know it.

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