Geordie with posh voice baffles workmates

A MAN from Tyneside who sounds like Tom Hiddlestone has left his new London workmates baffled and frustrated.

Stephan Malley, 27 from Gosforth arrived for his first day in the City and immediately sowed confusion by greeting his colleagues with the words ‘Good morning, absolutely lovely to meet you all’.

Co-worker Janet Fisher said: “We were waiting for him to bellow, ‘Alreet, me bonny marrers,’ or something similar so that we could all laugh and pretend we had no idea what he was saying. It was very disappointing.”

Colleague Tom Logan added: “I was hoping to ‘gan doon the booza’ with him and have a ‘good bit of craic about getting mortal and smashing a lass’s pasty’. But he just started going on about some opening he’d been to at Tate Modern and completely refused to get involved in any banter featuring the word ‘baps’.

“It is almost like he is middle class. But that is clearly impossible.”

Malley said: “I have had a marvellous first day. Everyone is super nice, though I must confess, sometimes I find their estuary accents utterly incomprehensible.

“It is true they are not the sort of people I am used to, but I feel their big-hearted warmth and open friendliness more than compensates for their raucous and unabashed vulgarity.”

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I am ‘Becky with the good hair,’ admits Mary Berry

MARY Berry has admitted she is the ‘Becky with the good hair’ named by Beyonce. 

The octogenarian began an affair with Roc Nation boss Jay-Z, a fanatical Bake-Off viewer, after he sent a series of messages praising her signature pear and ginger pavlova.

She said: “Obviously I was bowled over, as I’ve been a fan of his since Reasonable Doubt, and replied with a few insiders’ tips on how to make his soufflé rise.

“Pretty soon he was asking me for photos of cakes I’d made hot and fresh from the oven, and I’m afraid to say I eagerly obliged.

“My apologies to Beyonce, but perhaps she should spend less time wearing gold lame mini-dresses and more time wearing an apron.”