Getting out of bed against all natural instincts

BRITONS must currently overcome 43 separate instincts in order to leave their beds, it has emerged.

According to the Institute for Studies, leaving warmth and safety to enter a dark, cold environment is a grotesque violation of nature.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Millions of years of evolution has taught us to seek comfort and shelter – basically bed.

“Our ancestors would not have left their caves to venture into freezing pitch darkness, they weren’t that stupid. They stayed under their bearskins, getting up about midday to go and grab some berries and twigs before quickly running back to the fire.”

Tom Booker, from Stevenage, said: “I struggle to get out of bed because on some subconscious level I am worried about bears and wolves.

“We’re conditioned to blame ourselves as being lazy, but actually these things are horrible for a reason.

“I may be a glorified monkey but I must be true to my inner voice. So I’ve just called in sick with pretend Norovirus.”

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'I need to be by myself for a while', says idiot about to fall in love again

A MAN who declared he needed to be single for a while, is in fact an idiot about to fall in love again.

Tom Booker, who unknowingly met the new woman of his dreams last week, said: “It’s important to know what it’s like to be by yourself. I’m more into casual things right now.”

The 30 year-old, unaware he will get engaged in a few months, added: “I’m not even sure humans were made to be monogamous, you know?”

Booker, who has never had sex outside a relationship, insisted: “I’m going to be surrounded by women, it’s going to be amazing.”