WOMEN should be entitled to half of their boyfriend’s disgusting pile of
crap in the event of a split, according to a landmark ruling.
Under existing law, when a girlfriend moves out at the end of a relationship, the man retains full ownership of the mound of unwashed clothes, empty Pot Noodle containers and deeply suspicious paper hankies.
However, judge Denys Finch-Hatton said the male partner should be legally obliged to divide all of his shitty, floor-based assets.
He added: “As it stands, the female takes all of the nice things, like pictures, good quality furniture and art house DVDs, because she obviously bought them.
“The man meanwhile is left with nothing but the detritus of his own wretched life. As well as soiled clothes, this will typically include some other clothes that are clean but smell bad from having been left in the washing machine overnight, a Ned’s Atomic Dustbin picture disc and an air pistol.
“This should be distributed evenly between the two parties, if only out of spite.”
Roy Hobbs, who recently split from his girlfriend, said: “After Susan moved out I’ve mostly been living in the lounge, in a gorilla-style nest made of old towels.
“It’s times like this when you realise that you haven’t really bought anything worthwhile since 1996 and that kitchen-wise all you have is a fork. I sort of hate myself.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make a bowl of muesli for my dinner.”