Going To The Park For A Fight: the government guidelines

AS lockdown eases, many British citizens will be heading to a park, beach or beauty spot for drunken mayhem and a punch-up. Ensure you follow the rules: 

Kick off for any reason

After three months of lockdown, any flimsy pretext is acceptable. Stare someone out, claim they are looking at your girlfriend’s bust, or as you’re in a park, ask if they have brought the mandatory bag of stale bread crusts. If not, you are clear to punch them for disrespecting the ducks.

Arrive in a threatening mob

For a pleasant afternoon in the park, why not turn up with 30 shirtless male friends each with a case of Stella? Parks are exempt from the rule of six, as the government appreciates you are ready to return to drunken aggro after months of our world-beating crappy nightclubs being shut.

Take a football, frisbee or drone

On the surface normal, non-violent park activities, all can usefully provoke other users of public amenities. Landing your drone non-optimally on a fellow patron’s child and you’ll soon be getting the beating of a lifetime from an irate builder.

Make full use of the facilities

You pay your council tax for park facilities, so it’s your civil right to use them for violence. Recreate great British naval battles with pedallos on the boating lake, or, if there’s a petting zoo, find out if you can win a head-butting contest with a family of goats.

Take an alcohol-based picnic 

Alcohol is the social ice-breaker that makes a mass brawl go swimmingly and raises £12 billion in duty every year. Try to be buzzing with Tesco vodka and unfocused anger by 2pm. However, if you’re repeatedly punching a horse that keeps bouncing back up, you may be fighting a children’s ride on a spring.

Don’t forget the kids!

Encourage your children to join in the park-based violence. Get them to batter other children over a Cornetto and look back on your excellent parenting skills when you later visit each other in prison.

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Easter and the Royals - how to explain weird, outdated shit to your kids

RAISING kids is no easy task, especially when teachers are filling their heads with toxic crap about Easter being about ‘more than just eggs’. Explain it away: 

The Easter story

Your kids are happily painting eggs and gluing bunnies to hats, then a rogue teacher tries to link all that to the Bible. ‘Who is Jesus, and why can’t he stay dead?’ asks your five-year-old daughter. Stick her in front of The Mandalorian, tell her to watch for baby Yoda and say ‘This should cover it.’ It won’t, but it’ll distract her.


Harry this, Meghan that, the big-eared one, the bald one. It’s deeply confusing even for adults. If your child ever asks why one old lady owns so many crowns, explain that all the Spice Girls are still famous and rich even though it’s been 25 years since Wannabe. Basically it’s the same thing.

Daylight savings time

When your little cherub asks ‘Why are we going to bed early but on time, and why is it sunny at night?’ you can’t say ‘because f**king farmers’ because they’re still good guys in kids’ books. Instead claim clocks get impatient in spring, then tired in autumn.

Piers Morgan

There will come a time when your child is introduced to concepts like nuclear war, genocide, erectile dysfunction and Piers Morgan. It’s best to not tackle these topics at bedtime for fear of inducing nightmares. Say ‘Yes, self-inflated pustules of hyperbolic fear and impotent rage exist, some of them are awarded TV shows and some become president, but they are always defeated in the end.’

Long division

You’re on your own with this one.