Monday, 19th April 2021

Going To The Park For A Fight: the government guidelines

AS lockdown eases, many British citizens will be heading to a park, beach or beauty spot for drunken mayhem and a punch-up. Ensure you follow the rules: 

Kick off for any reason

After three months of lockdown, any flimsy pretext is acceptable. Stare someone out, claim they are looking at your girlfriend’s bust, or as you’re in a park, ask if they have brought the mandatory bag of stale bread crusts. If not, you are clear to punch them for disrespecting the ducks.

Arrive in a threatening mob

For a pleasant afternoon in the park, why not turn up with 30 shirtless male friends each with a case of Stella? Parks are exempt from the rule of six, as the government appreciates you are ready to return to drunken aggro after months of our world-beating crappy nightclubs being shut.

Take a football, frisbee or drone

On the surface normal, non-violent park activities, all can usefully provoke other users of public amenities. Landing your drone non-optimally on a fellow patron’s child and you’ll soon be getting the beating of a lifetime from an irate builder.

Make full use of the facilities

You pay your council tax for park facilities, so it’s your civil right to use them for violence. Recreate great British naval battles with pedallos on the boating lake, or, if there’s a petting zoo, find out if you can win a head-butting contest with a family of goats.

Take an alcohol-based picnic 

Alcohol is the social ice-breaker that makes a mass brawl go swimmingly and raises £12 billion in duty every year. Try to be buzzing with Tesco vodka and unfocused anger by 2pm. However, if you’re repeatedly punching a horse that keeps bouncing back up, you may be fighting a children’s ride on a spring.

Don’t forget the kids!

Encourage your children to join in the park-based violence. Get them to batter other children over a Cornetto and look back on your excellent parenting skills when you later visit each other in prison.