Thursday, 15th April 2021

How to still have a horrendously inconvenient wedding with only six people

FOR thousands of couples, the dream of a huge, ruinously expensive wedding is over. But your big day can still ruin your guests’ month. Here’s how: 

Have an appalling theme

A shortage of people does not preclude an irksome theme to your wedding. Try Old Hollywood, Star Trek or eco-conscious. Demand your guests are half-heartedly costumed as Romulans or constantly remind them they are eating off paper plates made from recycled toilet paper.

Force awkwardness

As bride and groom, it’s your prerogative to put people next to people they cannot stand. With only four guests this isn’t easy, so you’ll have to kick your parents off the guest list and invite the four most repellent people you know. Unless they’re already your parents.

Insist on huge presents

Just because nobody can come to your wedding doesn’t mean they can’t make a crippling financial contribution. Keep up the pressure via mailing lists and WhatsApp groups, with an emphasis on how much money they’ve saved not attending foreign stag and hen dos.

Do a disturbing speech

Your guests may be few, but you can still make them deeply uneasy. Like: ’Michelle and me have been through a lot, we still have the scars, we have lost a very good friend and can no longer legally visit Turkey, but we have stayed strong and she is the queen of my heart forever.’

Choose a terrible first dance song and perform a rehearsed routine

Nothing makes guests wish the ground would open up and Satan would drag them to hell more than watching you dance. Shape of You and Everything I Do are cliches, so think further afield with The Birdie Song or anything by Queen. Train cameras on your four guests’ faces and livestream their reactions.

Work the room nonetheless

Every bride and groom has to chat to all the twats and randoms you’ve invited. With only six people present, just tell them all how glad you are they could make it 40 times.

One guest must be hammered

A guest with a very low tolerance for alcohol should be plied with so much they start dancing wildly, vomit or create a tedious drama by collapsing in the toilets. Ideally, while wearily phoning an ambulance, you should discover they have shat themselves.