'Good to see you' and other lies told by passive-aggressive people

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE people don’t have the balls to be out-and-out bastards. Here’s the bitter truth behind their most popular lies.

‘Good to see you’

This couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality the passive-aggressive person vomited in their mouth as soon as they clapped eyes on you, but they don’t have the moral fortitude to give you a wide berth or pretend they’ve got somewhere else to be. They meant to say: ‘Talking to you for two minutes was torture.’

‘You’ve lost weight’

This will be dropped into conversation even if you’re talking about something completely unrelated like a big duck you saw. Sure it sounds nice, but don’t be fooled. This is a conversational broadside dressed up as a compliment, and you’ll spend the evening looking at yourself in the mirror trying to notice your apparent weight loss.

‘I’m not mad’

It’s hard to believe this lie when it’s being spat out by a pouting adult having a big sulk. Of course they’re actually furious with themselves for f**king up something basic, but admitting so would damage their fragile sense of self-superiority. They are indeed mad, both emotionally and in terms of sanity.

‘That was fun’

Translation: ‘If I never have to do that again for the rest of my life I will die happy.’ An easy lie to spot because it will be said with the clipped, flat cadence of a dentist asking you to open your mouth a bit wider. This will be used to describe weddings, baby showers, and graduation ceremonies.

‘We should do this again soon’

This lie requires a monumental amount of stamina. There’s nothing a passive aggressive person would like more than to cut you out of their life and claw your face as a leaving present, but they will squash this urge and remain in your life for decades. Nobody knows why, maybe it’s the ultimate way of making your life hell?

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How to pretend you can still be friends when you've split up

EVER since Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin ‘consciously uncoupled’ everyone is trying to be all mature about romantic break-ups. So you’re going to need to fake maturity too. Here’s how.

Like and comment on every single Facebook post by your ex-lover

Nothing shows how well you’re adjusting to being ‘just friends’ than a public display of friendship and support, all day every day. On every post made by your ex-lover be sure to add a thumbs-up, or a smiley face. Don’t be afraid to leave friendly comments like ‘I MISS YOU’ under every photo. 

Talk about how great your former lover was in bed. Do this in supermarket checkout lines

Have you noticed how mature everyone is about sex these days? Everyone’s talking about iceberging, rim jobs and fellatio with as much ease as ordering pizza. You should exhibit similar maturity by speaking of your ex-lover’s sexual prowess with anyone who will listen at the supermarket. 

Carefully select your seat

This one cannot be emphasised enough: always, always, always seek out the closest seat to your ex-lover in the pub, and make sure to have a clear view of them at all times. You’ll be able to laugh at everything they say. You’ll look even more thoughtful if you shout out stuff like ‘Tell them about the time we argued on the beach in Ibiza – and I couldn’t swim because I was crying so much!’

Definitely don’t let them change your shared Netflix sign-in

It’s true that you don’t eat or sleep together any more. Never again will you share holidays or weekends, but you’re going to want to keep some things in common. Show how well-adjusted you are by insisting on keeping your Netflix profile on their account. How else will you be able to discuss Bridgerton when you accidentally bump into each other in the supermarket, the pub, the bus stop, the swimming pool, the entrance to her work, or her new partner’s house?

Walk past their house every night at bedtime

Friends are ALWAYS there for each other. There’s even a song about it. Nothing will be more appreciated than if you check in on your former lover every night.