PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE people don’t have the balls to be out-and-out bastards. Here’s the bitter truth behind their most popular lies.
‘Good to see you’
This couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality the passive-aggressive person vomited in their mouth as soon as they clapped eyes on you, but they don’t have the moral fortitude to give you a wide berth or pretend they’ve got somewhere else to be. They meant to say: ‘Talking to you for two minutes was torture.’
‘You’ve lost weight’
This will be dropped into conversation even if you’re talking about something completely unrelated like a big duck you saw. Sure it sounds nice, but don’t be fooled. This is a conversational broadside dressed up as a compliment, and you’ll spend the evening looking at yourself in the mirror trying to notice your apparent weight loss.
‘I’m not mad’
It’s hard to believe this lie when it’s being spat out by a pouting adult having a big sulk. Of course they’re actually furious with themselves for f**king up something basic, but admitting so would damage their fragile sense of self-superiority. They are indeed mad, both emotionally and in terms of sanity.
‘That was fun’
Translation: ‘If I never have to do that again for the rest of my life I will die happy.’ An easy lie to spot because it will be said with the clipped, flat cadence of a dentist asking you to open your mouth a bit wider. This will be used to describe weddings, baby showers, and graduation ceremonies.
‘We should do this again soon’
This lie requires a monumental amount of stamina. There’s nothing a passive aggressive person would like more than to cut you out of their life and claw your face as a leaving present, but they will squash this urge and remain in your life for decades. Nobody knows why, maybe it’s the ultimate way of making your life hell?